LIVE FEED FROM SUNNY F L A

What up, its ya boy Brucey B.

HELLO BEAUTIFULS! Here I am, sittin poolside at the Hard Rock Seminole Casino in Tampa and guess how many mustards i have on my ham sammich right now, you son of a bitch!?

NOT ENOUGH!

LOL WHATEVER (but if its not brioche, dijon, spicy mayo, ham, ham, lettuce, ham, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, deli mustard, onions, french mustard, crushed bbq chips, salsa verde, brioche you can fuck RIGHT OFF)

HAVNT THOT ABOUT THIS BLOG IN 4EVA. Though jeeeebus was iot ever Exhibit A-Z in the moose mason murder trial.

But a few days ago, I'm lounging at the bar and what do I see on Television but my old boys THE WASHINGTON CAPITALS. And Whats that Smokin' Al?

Holy fried cheat day Smokin Al! Id forgotten about the long running Detective Justin Williams series. And shit. I've been on summer vacation for what? 10 days now and Im already sooo bored, Ive done it all! I yelled at birds, I slept, I completed 14 hours of my court mandated community service. End of list.

So why not get a jump on next years book report so Mother María de la Purísima Salvat Romero doesn't wrap my knuckles for not reading all summer! I turn to the my nearest son, Brenton (he lives with his mother in Thunder Bay) and say, I'll tell you what baby, grab that bottle of syrup whiskey and meet me in my 2003 C-Class, we goin straight to the Tampa International Airport, grabbing the cheapest ticket we can find,  hitting the Hudson News (@the International Terminal!) AND grabbing a brand new print of...'

Its about believing in yourself!
And spit monsters!

THATS RIGHT I read A WHOLE CHAPTER BOOK called Uncle Leo's Tilted Visor ALL BY MYSELF!

AND I DID THE WORKSHEET!!! (@dominos book club personal pan plz fax the pizza to +64 7-574 2928.)

I laughed so loud they replaced Ovi's
Mercedes with a Grandfather clock. 

OKay SO its about Justin Willams, C.A.P., hes a detective and like he spots offsides and icings and he knows what penalties are GOOD calls and what are bad calls and when ACTUALLY its the refs thats being the one that sucks.

BUT THE THING IS HES SO GOOD AT IT. And when hes not working hard making detects, hes working harder coming up with the tweekinest goofs! Every time he solves a case he celebrates by pulling pranks on his friends with his boy Dale. They have similar hair so I ship them so hard.

Meanwhile theres this guy called Uncle Leo and hes part of this socialist cabal of childgrooms called the maple leafs and they're trying to do pure evil.

This old lady called Babcock is the leafs president and shes telling everyone to be mech-level buckets to Justin's friend Backstrom and also all the C.A.P.S. (Cool Awesome People Society - fucking duh, like you've never read a Detective Williams Mystery before)

Theyre going after Backstrom mostly because hes lawful good and trying to banish the evil maple leafs, but heres the thing - is - the thing is that UNCLE LEO IS ALSO ACTUALLY EVEN FRIENDS WITH BACKSTROM AND THEY USED TO PLAY ON THE SAME TEAM! TWICE EVEN. (spoilers) so Guess what?



Using CLUES, Justin Williams discovers this old Lady Babcock has Curtis-Lazar-vision and is melting brains for means of MIND CONTROL. Babcock thinks if he CONTROLS ALL HIS PLAYERS MINDS AT THE SAME TIME they'll be so n*sync and the best hockey team but actually controlling that many people with one guy is called playing god and is ACTUALLY CHEATING!

Lee Van Clief played Babcok in the Made for TV
adaptation of Uncle Leo's Tilted Visor

So the maple leafs are being grade B dicks (b/c even at their best, they're not grade A anything) to the CAPS which is causing problems but then things get even worse! Trotz, the head of CAPS freeking LOOSES THE LUCKY RABBITS FOOT! Can you believe it? So Kuzy hits pipes. And Ovi hits pipe and even guess what?

Guess. No. You'll never.

GUESS!

YEAH.

Even freeking CONNOLY HITS PIPE. OKay. SO the hunt is on and EVERYONE IS TRYING TO FIND THE RABBITS FOOT TO GET THE LUCK BACK. BUt Dale is so young and his little blab mouth goes off and the maple leafs find out about the rabbits foot.

I thought the 14 pages describing
the injury was a little overkill, but
appreciated the eroticism in it.

Using SLEUTHING, Detective Justin Williams figures out the rabbits foot is probably in the attic in the Old Chris Simon Mansion. When he gets there Uncle Leo is hot on his tail and starts searching right behind him. But because Detective Williams' IQ is so big if it was a mother it would be yo mama, he notices the rabbits foot before Leo.

Detective Williams, the natural athlete, leaps up and TILTS UNCLE LEOS VISOR - BOOM! TITULAR! Blocked eyes, Leo goes nuts, starts flippin out and then Detective Justin Williams throws an ice snake at him! LEO flies through the attic door and down 35 stories.

He survives by landing on Roman Polak whos foot buckles underneath and Roman immediately dies.

Justin makes his way back to CAPS headquarters where the boys are being besieged by a hivemid Babcockleafs! Things look dire briefly, but actually when we think about it, it seems like its just like a lot of unlucky situations that cant and shouldn't sustain over a longer period.

Then UNCLE LEO shows back up, but guess what hes not hiveminded?! How can this be? If only there was a great detective named Justin Williams who could figure it out. Oh, guess what? There is and his name is Detective Justin Williams and he uses GATHERING EVIDENCE!

Then Detective Justin Williams' brain sees THE HELMET TILT ACTUALLY PROTECTED UNCLE LEO FROM BABCOCKS CURTIS-LAZER VISION.

Babcock admitted it but no one cared
and Don Cherry called him
"Duke of New York, A number 1"

So a gameplan happens and Justin has to go file paperwork with the hockey gods but the REST OF THE CAPS proceed to tilt the helmet of EVERY! maple leaf. In fact, Ovi gets 3 such helmet tilts within a such a short timeline it feels only right to call it a natural helmet trick!

But okay, So Detective is filling out paperwork but the hockeygods are like, "I dont know, babcock has nice...and, is nice, and canada says he is good and honorable and not a succubus of individuality", SO JUSTIN WILLIAMS NEEEDS A CONFESSION

AND HE TRICKS THE BABA-COOK INTO DOING IT! WOW THIS IS SUCH AN EXCITING PART OF THE BOOK! BAZINGO!

The hockey gods declare the Babcock to be assistant penalty kill coach under Totarealla for the rest of his life.

Everything is wrapped up. OR IS IT NO! ITS NOT. because some of the maple leafs got so brain warped they'll never come back!

But Detective Justin Williams, using SCRUTINIZING figures out how to save all of them!

Only losing to Nurse Ratchet, Kadri
was voted #2 most disgusting villain of
all time on a readers digest poll.

So now everything is wrapped up. OR IS IT? NO!@ ITS STILL NOT ! Because you cant save everyone beacuse IT TURNS OUT KADRI WASNT EVERN HUMAN TO BEGIN WITH!

He is a new species grown from the gut flora of a communal spit pile at a gathering of the juggalos!

I guess its supposed to be scary BUT I WASNT SCARED EVEN ONCE. I even read it at night with a  flashlight, my wife kept telling me to go to sleep but I just put a blanket over my head AND SHE DIDNT EVEN KNOW I KEPT READING THTE BOOK HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
can you believe it, what a dummy.

Like 2 pages later Kadri turns out to be a non factor, Detective Justin Williams uses DELVING INTO A SUBJECT to teach everyone to just ignore Kadri and score chunks on him and Kadri gets so flustered he shrivels back into hep positive spit.

Detective Justin Williams gives Trotz the rabbits foot back and this time HE PUTS IT IN A SAFE GLASS JAR.

AND THEN PUTS THE GLASS JAR IN A SAFE>>>>.

So okay, things are good and locked away. I give this book 6 metaphors out of 8.

And since I don't have a team in the playoffs, I guess Ill let it be known I AM A CAPS FAN! I'll watch if a game happens to be on a tv in the lounge at the same time as the bring your own anything hour for the deep fryer.

People are funny though, they keep coming up to me and saying 'Hope you make it to game 7! I believe in you Brucey B!' And its like, lol. Game 7? You gotta show up for that! Have you seen me at any games this playoffs? I dont think so!

Brucey "Tucey, Give me a Stussy" B.

PS. I hear Trotz might open a deli...consider me interested.