Booce Booce - A Big Blog Bout Bondage...and Hockey: Oct 29 2011

Guys, GUYS! Listen!
I really want to hand it to those fellas the other night. I dont mind admitting when the other fellas just out fucking worked us, and those refs just flat out worked harder blowing more motherfucking calls than I have seen any other refs do in the history of the game. Evisceration would be too good a reward for a game that well...worked, I recommended to Bettmen we hang them from the rafters of Verizon for the rest of the year. He agreed but said after their necks rotted out and their bodies fell to the ice we had to send the heads back to their widows, boooo hoooo, I wanted to put them on pikes. He did have the awesome idea of putting fireworks in their bellies so when they fall their bodies go kaboom. GMGM said it was in the budget. Look forward to that at our upcoming home games.

Justified murder aside we've another stop in whats fastly becoming my new favorite country. Seriously, the pills Brucie has been popping. I just walk into any drug store, and step right behind the counter and pick out a handfull or two of bottles and walk out! FREE! God bless those socialist bastards. Smitty kept yipping at me, hes all 'thats illegal, eh' and 'theyre just too polite to do anything'. Like I give a fuck, i wrapped a couple percocet in his gum and he hasnt been too annoying anymore. hmmm, that gives me some coaching ideas for tonight.

In Vancouver. Time to play the satin twins. Its not like im scared of them, but I have been watching all the boys sleep at night to make sure those demon twin shits dont apperate in their rooms and suck their blood. I havnt slept since we began the trip 4 days ago but Its worth it. If they drain Ovies skill. Can you imagine or poor Matty P, HE WOULDNT SURVIVE! If we can make it on the ice I think we have a swell chance to come back. They're not a bad team, im looking forward to a good game tonight. Also, Im hoping someone slits Ryan Kesslers achilles tendon, we dont need him 'til the next olympics anyway. It always dangerous to play a good team after loosing two in a row, but guess what? WERE THE MOTHRA FUCKING CAPITALS. Quod erat demonstrandum.

(Photo courtesy Hound Pound)

Bruces Canadian Blag, eh? Oct 27 '011

Who needs three fucking names. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins. It doesn't make it an easy job to come up with a good hockey nickname. Good thing its me, the big rig, bruce goose, loose bruce, bruce the loose goose, the king of nicknames. My boys got nicknames and I make em all up like a boss (Hendy-Hop, MOJO, Brooksie). Heres a few (and feel free to steal these Tom "Henney and Ice" Renney): Ted Nugent-Cockkiss, Flyin Nuggetsof-Hotshit. You get it. I knocked it outta the park. 

Thats what Brucie's all about. knocking it outta the park. and on thursday night in canada or whatever the fuck you can get ready for my boy, Ovie aka Captain Russia to knock Ryan SmYth, aka Captain Canada aka The Y is for Yogurt, right outta the park.

Anyways, to finish things off I figured I would include a quote from my new favorite movie. 

"There Will Be Blood" - Daniel "One Bad Dad" Plainview from "There Will Be Blood". 

He was talkin about oil I think. I am tired of Smitty talkin about art house flicks movies around the office "Mello Yello" machine and not having any idea what the fuck he's talking about. I hate looking like the fuckin DJ King idiot of the year. He's the coolest fucking trainer in the NHL. 

God I hope I get to sit next to him. He never picks me.   

THINGS TO PACK FOR BIG TIME WEST COAST SWING

--skeleton key to bust Joel Ward outta canadian jails

--Ovies "Cpt. Russia" halloween costume surprise!!!! Handstitched by Dagmar Vokoun herself. The yarns made outta yak blood!

--Grande Spicy Bites with extra japs from 711

Master Brucey runs Cheltown Blog Oct 22, 2011: BEYOND THUNDERDOME

HEY BABCOCK! You know how I know you're gay? Because you were hoping for a highlander 'there can only be one' blog post today. You know how I know all the redwings are big gay? You tried to give the sound guy Prince of the universe as your intro song. Well I got news for you bro, the only price brucie knows anything about is Albert, and you better get some chapstick because after what we do to you this evening you're gonna make avery look like Macho Man Randy Savage. Sure I 'respect' Detroits players, Datspuke and Zoidberg and The Ass, and who doesnt have respek for a dude whos playing his 1500th NHL game at Verizon, thank god right? Any other venue and no one would give a shit. 



But heres to Lidstrom. (here-->) [------------]

cool. Now that Ive been nice to you heres where I bring out my real fucking boys. We've got a new man you're not ready for, its his first game, youve got no game tape, nothing to prep you. Welcome to the Thunderdome, you ill-prepped cunt. 

Today we're releasing the new Frankensteined up Brooksy Laich. Since his double nose break surgery hes had an unquenchable anger, I keep telling him Philly musta paid off the Zebras but he blames anyone not in a Caps uniform. Hes a mad man, and not just a chain smoking drunk, hes been foaming at the mouth and we've had to chain, yes chain (he chewed through the first 3 ropes) him to my desk since yesterday, its only a 10 foot chain, but hes left me 16 presents in the form of live cardinals with their wings ripped off and chewed up since just 10am this morning. Im sure it means something, so I'm putting him out against your big boys tonight. 

Its a big market game, for big market people, and none is bigger than MASTER BRUCIE! The last two undefeated teams in all the league, unfortunately for you, Ive been training all my goddam life for this. My squads know what it takes, and this is when we do it, the perfect season! AND WE START TONIGHT! MASTER BRUCER RUN CHELTOWN! SAY IT! SAY IT! WHO RUN? LOUDER!!!!!!

Lift embargo. 

This is the truth of it. Fighting leads to goals, and goals gets caps the cup. The lightning was damn near the death of us all. Look at us at the end of last year. Busted up, and everyone talking about hard rain! But we've learned, by the dust of them all... Verizon learned. Now, when men get to fighting, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two men enter; one man leaves.  

BROOKSY, I CALL UPON YOU! DESTROY WINGS! DESTORY!!!!!

BY DJ KING, age 27 and 3/12s ALMOST HALOWEEN!!

hey, dis king dj not papa broocey i dunt no y peepole always callin me dj king they always gettin it backworded and i come in here wif piza slises cuz broocey sayed i cant have any so i took som anyway and i spiled some on the keyboreds tho im a prolly tell broocey it was pete bondra agin tho if he nos its me i wont getta start wif mah boy alecksander hovedgecan and do fives wif him like semen gets 2 and broocey will polly mak me fite clawed drew and i hate fiteing but he always finds out about my piza spiles and i dun no how he nos cuz i always tel him about pete bondra and u ever just hit the keyboreds alotta times cuz i do cuz it sounds fun when u do and i also like lookin at horsays cuz they are fun 2 and they r majestic and i lov them 2 and its hard 2 typ round my piza mess so i think ima just keep hittin the keyboreds for the sounds now;asl;kdfj;alsda;we8woifahw;nZn/fliauw;el4rlaksjnflas;dfihasropewiqjwlkq4u329080a-sdja;l3jkh21p09a8hsnlr4jh2390vanseklrjahw39048qhw;leiafj09832nl;asldfj{Sefa'w;ropj]r
woejfa['sdfpjas;lkrjjhpf2opijaweporqiwejrqlkwnefuzgdfqoiweuht5'3p2m,4qk qo[3ihng1[ 3im1t1opi3th1[o'ti;o43ituj0-238yhoihnqatgbwoq3u4thowehtoweshngoi gj0t tjq[tq3tt pogdgekljrgn egpok jaisdfh[ 029rj 132t90 h13]049j opgihwro0ity48-jqalkdfl;askehrop12i34nk;faj[iowetq;r4ilqjwp3rfh8aw89ti alkwefjwo[aijfoasjdljkhfawoepfq2laiw[rfpow2iproq2jopiajefopjaowierjh[1pioe4jq2oprijaoptjh90342uj3p4ijsgkdfjg8dfhbofbnkvjbhhjsrlxgteyikoe4698jh34-09kg,pofmbuiooh-0345j[pi-u9sd7ry5k3[np0z0xdfjg90832hn4[o2ij-=309j0wej09bj4w;m g08yh9-8sdr50=23=0 i9ogj848y8gehtgikj;fskf8jhkjm;lqwk4mn5kl35h7890sdfl;qk3j450-78zdgljkn32opiu9-sd8ytqt3425n2o[34i50u-98as7rtpklj345p[ou-07a09w845lk;2j35-08ausl;k5n2345890as6ye5k2n3oi9zsd8twklj4534890usdrt;'3klj25908uysdl;k5mj32p[iojsoitweuo[t53jp2oljm53-09sdrgwl;kj35vgy8pa9s8u3202-=we56j'2;kn2;lo54h6ip2gp2oi3jp[gokwportym4;ly3mk4=h09wj4y345\y345o60iihwm3ji30hsdklrtj34ti90-srjg;wemtlejkqwj-4092j35p;jkl[wiopw-0t9u2pj5;'w354twjieg=0 t4n3 -0e 8gu03i4t5n23g78asdgf7qg3urog23g4utf5tfweye2dcg4f2c542 5f5iy2c54y2tc54gc23hgcryfgeqr67q23564l;oiujpseroitywu09856jh2ikj620-qa8hwrpqui3j4r2389uhtjwpmkhpoajs98eyhro34kj523048yhsadiorkntm3 4t 9t7g87asagh;l4kjw234lk;52h324ilu2bj3 [o5igjs-se089ji4l;kj534908us-=er0gske4;l5jseiorfgur-wtjpkaslek;rj234olnp09a8suy9f8234nml2ri3ju4opiauys9g8sdhf giwrjhg98hsad;dflksfjkdf;glk39ui5-0w9ejxidkruzusm8usem0tlxo0j98 v8g6ntb5dc6pu58eosx57r8se0yrewskl7d86709p8bth2;klm3gpo9duytw3ijlakjsdf-908aw45kw50u[jag08gyha0epgjsdfjg9rwyhgdfpgojksdfg9s8yhgpowie;w6j34-t8er09poui;fg;23j908ehuiorejow6kl5jh6k6g75609s9eprowjier09re094j5p3ok549088huo;ijtw4890iokmh34oisrjpterk't;sjth90w4j['yopjiyopwitier[topwepyijdmnsgk;lweopitdjrpork3w0w34jitkrpotj3w-wt049iopertpwut08rpoiwtpuertoiwenl5jkh632387aw65890-0eojrtrewtjwer890tr67th9drjgek4-5t98g-0seirjtwejrtopi

Bruce's Blog: Oct 18, 2011

Today is the story of the Washington Panthers vs the Florida Capitals, or as I like to call them the Tallahassee's. well, kind of...I mean, since last season theres been some change, we got arguably 2 of their best players, Robot Leg and Koonjob, and in turn they nicked the late great, matt 'semin-snitches-get-stiches' bradley, and jose theo. Arguably our ugliest players. It should be a more exciting game then the past would have you believe, Florida is looking hotter than preggers Beyonce these days, and we're playing dumpier than the guy on the back of the truck (OH SLAM! BITCH, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!) They've made Tampa Bay look foolish twice already and they're second in the devision. It's [pretty exciting for them as they haven't been second in anything since the worst sweaters poll. (Brucies on a roll, look the fuck out.)

They have a new coach who thinks he's a hot shot because he can outsmart scarface, however I intend to blind the little bitch with a little bit of my coaching magic. Divisional games are the best for blinding people, most bang for your buck, especially considering the price of sulfuric acid these days.




I call sulfuric acid coaching magic.

Anyway, Florida should be a fun test. Like a pap smear. I once bought a pap smear from madonna this one time I was in Austin from this girl I thought was a dude. I know theres always talk about ditching Brucie, but if we win tonight it will be the first time the Caps have ever gone 5-0. And if that doesn't mean the cup is ours I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL!

Bruce toots!

P.S. I've got a pretty good surprise for everyone coming to games from here on out that will debut today. I've replaced the organ with a calliope. Its gonna be a mother fucking 3 zone circus in Verizon. Ton't tell GM GM, I promised him I wouldn't but once he hears it I KNOW hes gonna eat it up.

Senate Independent Leader Bruce Blog: 10/15/11

Sometimes you have to bitch slap Mitch McConnell around, sometimes you have to bitch slap some poor fucks from Canada. Speaking of foreign born mother fuckers on our precious American soil, all hail our boy Hamrlik, breaks the record with tonights game for Czech born homies. Good for him, although not as good as my personal hero DJ KING! DJ KING! DJ KING! he's in tonight, he had a great preseason, didnt fall down once! Although dont expect any fights form him, unless Alfredson feels fatherly, his little boys, SENATORS? AHAHAHHA, wont be too scrappy. Honest time now, The boys from backwards rain drenched den of politeness shouldn't be too much trouble, if they are, we're in much trouble.

Continuing honest time, I really, really, reaallyy hope they have Monkey bread tonight at Verizon.

I dont really have thoughts other than monkey bread. Once that gets in bruces head. it just dont leave.

BRUCE [semicolon] LIVE FROM GUAM: 10/13/11

I went on vacation to Guam yesterday with the MS. DAGMAR. I know it's a tweener day but vacays to guam are in the Bruces contract. Georgies a sucker for my Bettmann impression. Gives Brucey what Brucey needs cuz Brucey NEEDS Pacific islander sminky pinky if you know what I mean dear readers. I digress. The point is that I let my assistant Scott write the first draft of this article. When I read it on the plane ride home from Guam, I ralphed my bloody mary’s onto Kevin Spaceys face (was watching American Beauty for that scene where mieenana suvari shows her ding dongs). A little bit got onto the MS. DAGMAR, but she didn't seem to give a shit. I didn't want to force you all to throw up during your favorite mr skin moments, so I fired Scott. You guys would hate Scott too. Hes so in your face. I don't know, you have to meet him. He says he’s gonna get evicted now that he has no job so hes having a going away party or some shit on the 30^th. You guys should go. See what I mean. Fucking asshole…shit. Now I lost my train o’ thought. Fuck you Scott…fuck you hadeed for not puttin me in your commercials no more…fuck you….PITTSBURGH! OF COURSE! Well I’ll be jiggered. I’m in the wrong city! See you in two hours boys! Guess I will be taking Georgies private train. Its got enough heine light to get me buzzed for the game. Ah. Marvelous.

Things To Pack:

Matt Cooke and Aaron Asham: Penguin Pussies Brazzers DVD (gift for Schmitty)

Eric Fehr Memorial Bobblehead

Ice from Heinz Field

Dagmar tooth

Minsa Sumari’s boobies (gift for Schmitty. He gets so bored during games. Jerks it three, four times a period. Guy’s a boss)

FIREBOMB TO DESTROY THE CITY OF PITTSBURGHHHHHH

LETS GO BOYS

Sharpening my knife. A Bruce Blog Blog Blog: 10/10/11

Friends! Lend me your eye! Forsooth 'tis true, the sons of fishmongers got out their brooms last year, no denying we fell flat on our faces after beating them in most of the regular season meetings. But was there more to the story? Were we perhaps helping the chuds train for the rest of their lives? Giving them one last fucking hurrah before society took a peek under their visors, saw the downs all over their faces and forced stamkos to sweep the aisles of a grocery store for the rest of his days. (Although if he strapped on skates he would still be able to sweep the isles) Perhaps on sundays allowing him to visit the government run home (don't worry, he'll be leashed) and visit his friend who thinks he's a saint. He'll preach the values of trying not to shit ones self (Brucey worked in one of those homes, he knows what happens) and trap systems and Stammy will get bored and walk around and rub his junk on stuff. (was gonna make a gay joke here, butt fuck it.)

Sorry, Brucey got carried away. Point is we're gonna be alright, everyone is fired up for tonight. Vokoun gets his first start in a red sweater, we'll see if he's worth his salt (the only way of which to measure is if he fights then concusses rolo tony brown eye) Mojo is back in, he'll have to play hard to keep his seat, and I'm so proud of my third line boys. Like I said, we have some things to work out, but if we dont win tonight its suicides all next week at practice. (if that doesn't motivate my boys I dont know what will...other than a pizza steak sub from jerrys)

More analysis upon the next time we play these fucks. For now, courage. FUCKING COURAGE.

TLIGNIG 4 HOCKEY GAME. THEY LEAVE HAS NO BUTTS THEY LEAVE !! GOLLLLL DJ!!
(bruce note: i left my computer open and dj was sitting here for 4 hours, I guess he wanted to add some thoughts)


MORE BRUCE TOOTS
was gonna make a wiccan joke here, but witch one.
was gonna make an alzheimer joke here, but forgot it.
was gonna make a doctor joke here, but that'd be sick.
was gonna make a sheep joke here, but ewe wouldnt get it.
was gonna make a pig joke here, but to be honest, its a boar.
was gonna make a Jets suck joke here, but that wouldn't be Fehr.
was gonna make a coins joke here, but it wouldn't make any sense.
was gonna make a netflix joke here, but couldn't get one qwiq enough.
was gonna make a yellow journalism joke here, but i'd just muck it up.
was gonna make a paying Vokoun joke here, but he wouldn't accept a check.
was gonna make a Anaheim joke here, but that would be fowl. (and we're not playing the ducks)
was gonna make an asian joke here, but Goddam, I love working in chinatown. No really, I eat it chinese food 34 times a day.


fuck off, im not here to entertain you

Harford Whalers come to Brucetown. 10/8/2011

Call me Brucemael,

JK BITCHES, the whale is dead, a hurricane took its rotting corpse to Carolina (like, which one? amirite?!) where it continues to rot. As if they thought putting a red sweater over something putrid would cover the smell. Or help it play better. In fact, what better comparison of canes hockey than a dead rotting whale carcass! Move over William Shake 'n bake. mmmm shake 'n bake. What? Oh, right, King leer aint got shit on that met-a-4, bobby orr.

So its opening night, you're all tucked in, dvr on [rec] for Hadeed youtubeing, and future Ameritel triplett jerk-seshes (fingers crossed!) And ladies and gentlemen, your Washington Capitals. I think we have a good season ahead of us, and it all starts with this game. To be honest, I havn't looked at what the other teams did in the offseason. I don't mean to brag, but I was prettttyyyy busy all summer (be sure to check out my "What I did this summer" entry coming soon.) So I guess the first time I'll check out the line-up will be when we take the ice in the first period. (warm ups is bruceys nervous-tick-pureed-meat-shake-chow-time). They still got the skinner kid? That guy was jick and a half. (thats my new word. you cant use it, dont even try) Ill bet they made him captain during the offseason. He's clearly better than Staal.

I got a joke for you guys.

The Staal brothers.

GET IT? bahahahahahahhahah. oh god, I made Knubes shit in his depends he was laughing so hard at that one.

...what?

My boy, Backie, just told me they picked up Tom the Taxi-cab from Boston. I guess this changes a few things, like how they'll be in 8h place instead of 9th. *Yawn* Just a different pest to swat away in 4 (bobby orrrrr!) at the end of the season. (More on this when we beat them in 4 (burrrbbyy orrr) in the first round of playoffs).  So tomorrow, youll be asking me what I've got up my sleeve, what line combos will Brucey go with, is Troy a first liner or a third? Will mojo be the center for line 2 or line 4 (Beeerrrrrbbrrrrryyy eeerrrrrrr).  How will my blue line men work together? I dont doubt we'll have some kinks to work out,  but trust bruv, believe, we'll come out of here with a victory box in our trunk. And enough goals from each player to win any fantasy hockey match you have this week if you have but one player from our squad. (Could you imagine if there was some genius drafted only Caps-men? That bastard would be unbeatable!)


Words. Im sick of them, thats all summer is for. Fuck words! Fuck words right in their stupid fucking letters! LETS PLAY SOME HOCKEY!

 Im looking forward to seeing you all rocking your red post game on the dj king party dirigible.
<3 Brucey B

p.s. desktop size pic looololol

GET YO' STINK-WHISTLE! BRUCEY B IN THE HOUSE: octomom/7/2011

Welcome to the new season. The 2011-2012 season, of your Washington Capitals. Or perhaps you should be welcoming me, I know that after another presidents trophy and Lord Stanley Cup win I'll be welcomed anywhere I damn please in all of the disrick. (You hear that DeMarquis? My day with the cup will start at your Rub & Tug whether you like it or not. THE WORLD WILL BE WATCHING) Boom de yada.

We've got some new faces, and some old ones, or as I've been calling them, the "classics." It has led to some confusion, Ovi thought I was talking about Coke so hes been calling Brouwer 'New coke' and Joel Ward 'Pepsi face'. Semin, whos trying to be more talkative this season just screams Jamba Juice over and over. At least he's trying.

We had a rocky pre-season so here is an intricate and well thought out response: (note to editor, put that picture of my dick i texted you last week here) HAHA! Thats for my boys in Iraq. Now that dont ask dont tell is over I've been getting deluges of e-mails from soldiers asking to see my big swingy thingy. I got that certain jenny say quah (editor: make me look smart) soldiers love. I guess I am the most important man in D.C. Enjoy Boys!

But it did give some interesting things for fans to look out for (Other than Dagmar Vokoun's sweet sweet tats) Like that flowtastic Mattie P, dudes back with a passion. He reminds me of a young me, I know what its like to be awesome as shit and under-appreciated, and have sweet flow. I even did an interview on it. WHAT NOW, SOURCING MYSELF. Here are some other things pre-season taught us: I found a new favorite restaurant! Theyve got the best vanilla-ice-cream-instead-of-sour-cream-mint-ice-cream-instead-of-guacamole-cough-syrup-instead-of-lettuce-sticks-of-better-instead-of-chips-nachos I have ever had! Sorry SantoCarlos, you've been upstaged, (I think they use a cinnamon extract to give it that something special you just dont have, try to experiment, Ill give you another chance),

But I know what you want, I know what this is all about, Tomorrow night. Opening night! You all can't wait to see if the triplets got hot this year. What will the new commercial be? A 3 way hottub makeout in  bikinis? Jello wrestling while Michael watches awkwardly and talks about paper? Now that would sell. ...mmmmmmm ameritel triplets. My favorite is the one with the snaggletooth. Get that thing caught in a stink whistle.

what happened? I just woke up and its dark outside now...I started this thing at 11a.m. I remember thinking about the tripplets and then I smelled burning....

FUHHHFHHHFHH. I just lost another half hour. Id better go get some rest. Big day tomorrow.









its a vagina. a stink whistle is a vagina. its also the term most searched on google that leads people to this blog. but i totally copywrote it, so expect me to use it until it catches on with the kardashians and then sue the shit out of them for it!

BRUCEY B. B. BEVERTON BEVELY "Cleary" BOUDOIR BOUND BOUDREAU OUT.