thanks,
Dorgie Feda-Poots
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Part 5:
One
Two
Three
Four
“LINE CHANGE FUCKERS!” Robo-Wides’ shot neurons from his computerbrain at the speed of light down to his leg, which immediately fired off. grabbing all his other-worldly teammates on his way into the Mark 2. And just as fast as they had appeared they were gone.
“We’ve stabilized” said #3
“Where are we!?” said Old Man Fighter Calson popping a Calcitrex, before offering them to the rest of the Mark 2 travelers. They all declined, “Strong Bones makes good fighters.” No one cared. Brucey done gone and set off the doomsday machine. They were sad.
“floating through the 8th dimension.” said #3
“TAKE US BACK!” DJ king screamed as he took control.
 |
| Inside a crater so large it has it's own atmosphere. |
“My buttole!” said robo-wides opening the door, the shock so great his sphincter exploding out his poop chute. The Mark Poopoo was in the middle of a giant crater a football field wide and a futbol field deep.
“LINE CHANGE FUCKERS” came over the radio. ‘Well thats a strange thing to hear, they were just playing Tommy James and the Shondells.’ thought Dale Hunter letting his sunglasses slide down his greasy nose to glance at the digital radio readout in his BB customized Mercedes. ‘Perhaps it is just interference out here in the Shenandoah Valley, where I take a drive every saturday morning, far away from any current Caps player’ Or, thats what he would have thought had his tits not been ripped out through his eye sockets at that very moment. An explosion the size of huge but not so big it would reach anyone else had torn his body to nothing but atoms, ashes too good for a defense minded trap heavy motherfuck.
 |
| 'oooh, I think we're alone NAHAHGGGHHHG' |
Far below the freshly made crater the mole people partied like Ewoks. Their first doomsday device a success. Work must immediately begin on the next one.
Far below the mole people a giant snarling beast stomped out his cigarette with cloven hooves. His red arm, the size of one of those great oaks in california you can drive through pulled tightly on the chain of his dog, Cerberus.
Everything was a bit fuzzy, a heavy metal collar, naked, NAKED? The first thought was that he was damn sure he didnt look good naked. His eyes adjusted...
WELCOME TO HELL. YOU’RE FUCKED.
 |
| "Hell"™ and all associated characters Trademark The Walt Disney Corporation |
Bruce had no fear, Everyone on earth had known he was the baddest motherfucker of all time, now he was just playing in the majors.
“MOOSE MASON.” Satans voice shook the ground. “WHAT THE SHIT, BRO?”
“I, well, I did just lik-”
“NO. I GAVE YOU A NEW HEART. I LET YOU LIVE FOR WHAT?”
“But...Theres no way he survived! He must be down here, just behind me!”
“YOU...YOU BROUGHT HIM HERE! YOU WERE SUPPSOED TO DESTORY HIS SOUL BY DESTROYING THE CUP WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU...is that him? shit...shh, stay quiet, dont look.”
“Yeah I think thats hi-”... he didnt finish before one of the heads of Satans doggy ate him.
“NOW YOU WILL BE A LITERAL SHIT STAIN” said satan trying to bluff some tough stuff
Whatever weird off-brand Salacious Crumb Satan used as a check in guy laughed and laughed and laughed...The prisoners continued to move forward. And with every punishment the little creature laughed harder and harder. O.B.S.C. looked up to check in the next permeant visitor to hell. His face turned to stone. “Bru...Bru...”
“SPEAK UP!”
“Brugs Brodeout!” Said the third rate rat-boy. Gasps came from behind satan, down in deep burghs of hell. The pittsburghs of hell. Satan’s fire red skin turned pink.
“Whats the matter Jeff? You look like youve lost your color.”
 |
| "You're not gonna tell my mom, are you Mr. B?" sniffle |
“Not quite little lady” Said Bruce toots reaching through his many butt crevices. “It means two very specific things.” From his bee-hole he pulled out his phone. “Do you think I hadn’t planned for this?” Satan reached back and back and back, his arm moving like Mr. Fantastic, as it retracted he held The lovely Ms. Crystal Boothoreau in his hand.
“HERE! PLEASE! DON’T HURT US HEH HEH”. Bruce never had the patience for nervous laughers.
“Well, thats one th- Wait” he turned to Crystal. “Why are you in hell?”
“I knew it wasn’t you when I gave moosey a crumpkin.” Brucey’s skin turned redder than Satans.
DJ had been crying for the better part of an hour. “Holy shit, forget saving bruce, how do we get this BABY to shut up. Theres got to be something that we can do.” said number 2
"youre a baby" said DJ
"youre a baby" said DJ
A long pause as they all mulled over the seemingly endless possibilities of the Mark 2.
“Well, there is only one place Bruce would end up.” said fighter Carlson.
“You dont mean-” said robo-wides, as if it was going to be a surprise.
“Mr Hendi-Hop the Third, set a course for Hell.”
"I said you're the baby"
"I said you're the baby"
VRRRROOOOOMMMPPPPPP VRRRRROOOOPPPPPPP
kkkksshhhhhhhhhhhh
There was no rush in opening a door to hell. Fighter Calston drew his breath purposefully. Like checking to see if a can of sardines is rotten, he carefully peeled back the entrance to the Mk II. His brain told him the others would demand a status report, but there were no words. "Shut up brain" he muttered. tossing the door back and stepping forward, the others slowly peered out, one by one following Castleton.
There, in the middle of an idea, in the middle of the universe, in the middle of a a planet, in the middle of Mountains made of spikes, in the middle of a lake of fire, in the middle of an island covered with every weapon known to man, was the largest pile of dead bodies any entity has ever witnessed. And it was there, in the middle of the millions...billions of slain bodies stood a proud man, a chubby man, a naked man. Every and any being from any time on any plane in any universe that had committed evil lay slain. The mountain their broken bones formed, became an alter for Bruce Boodyrel, New king of Hell. Only three headed puppy was spared his life, but not its purpose, it would spend eternity moaning and licking the hand of his dead master.
Quickly sliding down Mt. Dead Evil-Doers the pink fat man was riding a sled made out of hitler. 'Made out of' meaning he was riding hitler. his dead body. because thats mega badass.
 |
| Clothes added for your pleasure, not my connivence. |
Quickly sliding down Mt. Dead Evil-Doers the pink fat man was riding a sled made out of hitler. 'Made out of' meaning he was riding hitler. his dead body. because thats mega badass.
“Hello Boys. Glad you could make it to the party.” said BRUCE BOUDREAU
“How...Wha...” Said everyone else left alive in perfect unison.
“Well don’t looked so shocked, you’ve seen me on the bench, you know I can get angry!”
“But How?!” Naked Brucey looked down
“Holy Shit” said number 3
“Thats a big dick” said robot wideman.
“Yes, I Bruce Bardot, stabbed all the evil in the everyverse to double death with my dick. What a time! How did you boys get here? Or to Moose Mason’s house? I was so intent on killing my evil-twin I didn't even ask.”
 |
| "Brucey Saw Beautiful Realities" Photo: Jacky T/Getty Images |
And they were off...
Bruce saw so many beautiful realities!
He saw what life would have been like if the habs hadn’t been sucking the referees dicks for goalie interference calls. ...that beautiful cup
He saw what life could have been had rolo tony not been on more sterroids than Stallone. ...back to back, glowing and golden.
He saw what life would have been if his shitstain brother hadnt drugged him, converted his team to trap bullshit. ...dynasty. oh sweet jesus, dynasty.
“Boys” he said. the tears coming from his eyes. “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
And in a VRRROROOPPPPPPPP VVVRRRRRROOOOOOPPPPP VVVRRRROOOOOPPPPP they were gone.
And in a VRRROROOPPPPPPPP VVVRRRRRROOOOOOPPPPP VVVRRRROOOOOPPPPP they were gone.
 |
| INTERSTELLAR ADVENTURE AWAITS! |
39 Mk. II Years later....55 Earth Years Prior
DJ King had never been out exploring a world on his own. But how dangerous could 1957 be? A quick trip to stock up, Hurricane Audrey had decimated refrigerators along the entire northwest hemisphere, putting ice cream prices at an all time low.
It was at the out front of the grocers that the gray haired and 'aged so therefore extra special' King laid his eyes on a tubby youngster with his parents.
"Oh wow!" kings use of exclamation point showed his excitement to the readers "Is that your kid?
"Of course" said the father, throwing his arm around his son.
"I know someone that looks just like him...or did..or...wait...wait!" King realized what he was seeing and began to gush about the kids future. The greatest this... The ultimate that... "You've just gotta believe me!" he finished.
"Why wouldn't we! Its 1957, you're white, and we're Canadian! Come on son, lets get outta here, we've got to go to the toy store and buy you some presents!"
King smiled and wandered back to the Mk. II with the 2 ton drum of rocky road ripple. He would later masterbate to the thought that he met little brucey.
"Shouldn't we wait for Brucey to get out of the bathroom?" said the tubby youngster.
"Fuck that little bitch!" Said Poppa Boody "He can find new parents. That man said you're my special little meal ticket Moose Mason, and I'm gonna treat you right!"
That you should never trust DJ King.
And the idea of BB commenting on every Caps game just doesn't make sense anymore. It's an outdated theme, and I'm no unsliced bread supporter. Don't be sad, kitty, it just means we're going open source, and you can take brucey on any adventure you want!
ANYTHING SENT TO THIS E-MAIL (under 10mb) WILL BE PUBLISHED IMMEDIATELY.
Cool right? Images and text and music even work I think . Pretty crazy, clearly we're in the future.
Thx 4 da laffs friends,
Bruce Toots
Friday, February 17, 2012
Part 4: Beating up on Theo
Fuckface McMoleman was in the middle of regaling the crowd on the Conan O’Mole show with the tale of his life, plugging his new autobiography, ‘How I helped Gabby, and was able to learn human language and teach it to every mole everywhere and start an underground mole society, i am your fucking king, please let me impregnate you, my seed must live forever’ when his face became flush.
“Shit!” turning to Conan O’Mole “Did I text brucey? Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck” Fuckface pulled out his sidekick and furiously texted as fast as his tiny claws would let him.
BVvvrrrrpppp. vrrrrrpppp. The vibration shattered the silence. Bvvvvrrrppprpr bbbvvvrrrppp. Bruce Boodyrowgh stood, slightly hunched (as usual), his knees bent, ready for action. Behind him the large bay window was shattered, as it was calatoral damage in making an impressive entrance. His brow low, eyes darting back and forth, he was now close enough to see Crystal was actually just a whole bunch of chicken nuggets glued together with a wig.
Bruce wished Robo Wides hadn’t been such a pussy and flown away when he crashed through the window ‘we’re gonna be in trouble with neighborhood watch!’ he screamed as he flew away. Clearly our hero was in a trap. Broose knew Moose. He waited. Moose would make his position clear.
 |
| lol,fkk! |
Poor Bruce was trying to figure out how the moles had already corrupted his glorious language when he felt the all too familiar distinct piercing of a hypodermic needle through his back straight into his heart.
“Goodnight sweet Prince”
“hhnngnggg” 180 SPIN SMACK!
Moose was on the floor 10 feet away. Bruce fell to his knees. Moose stood up and walked over to his nuggedy bride. “You never did have a binocular, that’s how I knew youd fall for it” Licking the proxy crystal, the sick fuck bared his teeth and ripped off the breading from a nugget.
“YOU BASTARD! LEAVE HER ALONE!” Moose just laughed, Brucey tried to walk forward on his knees but the thick shag carpeting was too much. he fell on his face. “What have you injected me with, you fucking fat fuck?”
“Injected? Hahahahhoho! Its what i took that matters. Moose held up the syringe. Bruce essence, straight from the heart. HAAHAAAAAAAA” The crazy asshole stabbed it straight into his heart and pushed the plunger. “You stupid bastard. Now Im more you than you! As for your other question, I killed Crystal Months ago, a necessary sacrafice to keep slan man healthy for a cup run. Im going to do what you never could. Im going to win, then destroy the Stanley Cup.” Moose walked over, slowly, like 120 fps slow. Realizing his demise coming Bruce rolled around. As fast as he could. This made moose laugh, but still in slow motion! It’s disturbing, alright! Moose walked, Bruce rolled, faster and faster, he could feel the shag on every part of his body.
Moose was 3 steps away.
2....
1...
“SLAPSHOT GIVE ME STRENGTH!” Bruce reached out his hand at Moose!
ZZZZZTTtt.
“ow. fuck. c’mon. fuck.” Moose didnt move, Bruce fell over tired. “Did you really think shocking me would do, like, anything?”
Brucey make sad face.
Moose reached into his pocket and grabbed a nickel plated pussy pistol and held it up to Bruceys head. He then reached in Brugs pocket and grabbed his phone, “oh my, what do we have here? A doomsday device? how adorable!”
“Not any doomsday device-
KKEERRPHHGHHHhhadhgdshgksdgagaghashfghh. The side of the hose exploded open. Dust and derbirs and chunks of brick fly everywhere knocking both Bruce and Moose against the far wall.
A large string theory machine was in the living room with the twins. BOOM. The door flies open.
 |
| "Neighborhood watch, Bitch!" |
“LETS BRAKE HIS SKULL INTO MORE PIECES THAN UNIVERSES WE’VE BEEN TOO” shouted DJ.
“that sounds good” says #2
The twins both rise to their feet slowly, one holding a phone, the other holding a gun.
“DROP THE PHONE NOW!” He presses the pistol against the bald head.
“I just have to press send, and I’m free!, and It’s over! You go boom”
“You’ll go boom too.”
“It’s worth it”
“Ghhhh, I dont know which one to hit” said DJ sticking his tongue out, it helped him think to lick the genital warts on his upper lip.
“He’s Moose! Don’t you recognize me!” Said the gun!
“No! Beat him up DJ! Its me, papa brucey!” said the phone!
They continued to go back and forth as Dj began crying.
“No DJ” said the fighter, we prepared for this. He walked back into the Mark 2. He walked out holding the hand of the biggest sniffer in town.
“Knubes! Oh Knubes! Tell them Im Brucey!” Said the fat one
“No, Knubes, I know you know me! Please!” Said the one that was the exact same size as the fat one.
“Which one smells like burning?” said fighter Carlson Kubes drew in a huge breath. (through his nose) “Come on boy!”
“I...I...I...cant tell! OH GOD I CANT TELL!” screamed Double Trouble Knuble, knowing his career would be drawing to a close if he couldn't sniff out a heart thats on fire, how could he sniff out goals?!
Bruceys eyes got big, Moose had taken his heart essence! He wouldn't smell like burning! “Fuck” he said.
Knubes got closer. He sniffed Bruce close, Then moose. “This one! This one smells like Brucey!”
“Mother fuck.” Said Bruce out loud, because they seemed like good last words.
“kill him DJ” said Moose. The King slowly lumbered toward Moose, eyes deader than a chicken.
KERBSIOFJIOSHIUGSGH!!
“YEEEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Through the plate glass crashed a robot legged motherfucker.
 |
| Totally ka-blamo |
Sending...
He turned toward his favorite men in the whole world. “LINE CHANGE FUCKERS!”
Sending...
Bruce Boudreau turned toward Moose Mason. “Game misconduct youzgoddamslimeyfuckingshitheadpooeyedmitocondrialleachingfiveheadpedochickennuggetphilificpisschuggingasssuckingcumguzzlingdiarreahbathingmophairedbeerbelliedtennitussufferingmonkeyassedpusslubeusingboogereatingcockeyedthundercu-
Sent.
Next time: “The Book of Gabby” outsells “How I helped Gabby, and was able to learn human language and teach it to every mole everywhere and start an underground mole society, i am your fucking king, please let me impregnate you, my seed must live forever”
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Part 3: Hot Duck Soup scalding floridians
Part 2
The Part Before Part 2
The Part Before Part 2
The wind blowing through his 4 strands of hair felt good on ol’ Brucey, He hadn’t felt a breeze this cool for years. Not since Crystal (Bruce’s wife’s name according to at least one website!) had forced him to sell his convertible. Ahh, Crystal, how long had it been since he’s seen her. He’d been so all consumed with his stopping his evil brother by digging his way across the country he’d let her become bait, meanwhile, you KNOW she was doing all sorts of nasty stuff with moose. What if he had convinced her to give him a blumpkin? How could he kiss those poo-poo lips ever again?
He should have flown, flying would have been faster.
He was flying.
“Relax there partner, you still might be hallucinating, you lost a lot of blood.” Realizing the sack of fat in his arms was waking up Robo-Wideman warned his favorite coach. “You’re alright pal. Just dont flop around and such, or I might drop you.”
“Wha-where am I” said Bruce. “I am Bruce” he then said, in an effort to beat a dead horse.
“When they gave me my robo jet leg they added an antenna, it gets fm, am, and satanic chants”
“well that explains that” said Bruce B, the owner of this here blog, “the last thing I remember is Getzl-”
“they’re dead.” Robo-Wides looked sad.
“all of them?”
“9 ducks players, temeus children, and this dog that wandered in and saw me doing the deed. No witnesses.”
 |
| "I AM THE SUN GOD. BLASPHIME AGAIN AND ITS MELANOMA FOR YOU" |
“My god. I hadn't realized shit just got super-serious. oh, hello there, how are you?” said Bruce
“Yes, the stakes have never been higher, I...I don’t ever want to talk about it again, it was real horrible-like, yet would have made an incredible blog entry. I think I will be scarred for life, Post-traumatic mental issues are quite dangerous."
“Yes, yes, Asamov, we cant wait for your spin off blog as an emotionally crippled inspector gadget. But shut up, I was talking to the sun king.”
The robo-leg went FWWSHHHHHHHHHHHH and they flew out of frame.
BLEERGGGHHHHHHHHHHUHH
BLELLEGHHGHSHHHSSHWWWUUHGHHGHHGHGHGHG
KERPOWSHhhhhhhahhsh
“We need to get a better driver” said Hendi #3, exiting the dj king super string theory machine, “Holy Gunnar!”
“Holy Lennon, said number 1” said Hendi #2, who was showing off the fact that he was a clone and knew what #1 was gonna say before he said it.
“Holy Len-” #1 stopped himself when he realized number 2 beat him to his own words. Normally such a thing would upset a person, but the whole pre-cog thing made DJ king fall over laughing, he would remain on the floor of the Mark 2 for hours now, allowing the clones and OMFCarlson to explore uninterrupted.
 |
| Incest was a big problem at Hendi High. |
“You weren’t kidding” says OMFGarlson, exiting the ship, stepping into a pool of blood, shin-pad high, inside Teemu Slan-mans house. “I think we’re too late”.
“No, look around said number three” said number 2.
“No, look ar--fuck you” said number 3. “But he’s...I’m right, theres a lot of dead ducks, theres a chance he got out of here!”
Number 1 dipped a strip of paper into the blood, “I’m right! the fat content in this blood is less than 45%. Theres still a chance to save Brucey before Moosey gets a hold of him!”
“You know, I told you guys we should have checked earth first, the mark 2 is very convenient, but why would he be in a different galaxy, we just should have flown to Anaheim, flying would have been way faster”
“We’ve lost him again. There’s no way he’d risk giving another person a negative boner.” said Fighting-Fit Carlson. All three clones broke out in tears. Carlson heald his in, just sniffling like the brute he was. “Wait” he said “I’ve got an idea”
“We’re here” Said the robot computer living in Dennis Widemans tongue. He landed slowly and softly, the 30 foot flame coming out of his leg setting only a few houses and a small park on fire.
“Where is here?” said dum-dum
 |
| Dennis, Always thinking ahead, brought Camo for the raid. |
“here.” Wides pointed to a window of a large mansion. Inside, were some very nice drapes, possibly velvet or something, defiantly black out curtains for sure, further inside, there was no bed, meaning the blackout windows weren't even in a bedroom! Could this be a tv room with blackouts just to combat glare!? How luxurious Brouce thout. Of course, so is not having to wipe your ass with a mole, they are not soft. His inner monologue went on about the luxurious he missed and his very slow eyes moved further in the room.
“Oh Sun God!” exclaimed Bruce. Below one of those upside down stars that people think are satanic, Crystal was chained up to a wall.
And Bruce could totally tell she had given moose a blumpkin.
Next: Moose reveals it was a Crumpkin
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