Final Bruce Toots of 2k11: 12,31,2k11

Kuzy, baby, where have you been my entier life, a hat trick and 4 assists in the first juniors championship game? ho mamamma, Am I excited for next year? Yes. Yes I am. Time to leave the KHL and come on home.

So, the blue jacks are tonight. eh? It's kinda like playing the sheepdogs, but you cant count them out, theyre pretty cool at things like their 6 regulation wins. And we're pretty shitty on the road. It could be a real adventure. But Ovi, Semin, and Backie are all streaking hot like a goddam shooting star. My new years resolution for the cappies is a Carlson hattrick and an Orlov Goal. And Eaksters back. How fun. Rick Nash and Antoine Carter are pretty rock steady. (lahahhashlaopl;plololol). Chimera is made of the same glop that oozes from colombus, and he's our leading scorer [editors note, nope, ovi with 14, ya ding dong]. so lets be careful.

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION IS TO PUT ALL FAMILY MATTERS TO REST.

YOU WILL CHOKE ON YOUR SHITTY DUCKS GAME PLANS, MOOSE.




to everyone else, happy new year
BRUCE TOOTS

p.s. its the end of the week, can we have Mike Green back?

Flipping the scrip

Alright. I get it. Time for the exact opposite of last game. Welcome to Verizon, twats.

class FlipScrip{
            public static void main(String[] args){
                     System.NHL.load("FlipScript"){
                          System.NHL.out("Capitals: 10, Buffalo: 0);
                    }
           }
}
     
well, i guess not the exact opposite. but a scripflip none the less.


˙sɹǝʞɹoʎ ʍǝu ǝsǝɥʇ ʞɹod

˙uʍoʇ sıɥʇ uı sןɐıɔɹǝɯɯoɔ ǝɥʇ sunɹ ʎǝɔnɹq ǝsnɐɔǝq ʇǝdɹɐɔ ǝɥʇ ɹǝʌo ןןɐ pnɯ pǝʞɔɐɹʇ puɐ ǝsnoɥ suosןɹɐɔ oʇ ʇuǝʍ ı uǝɥʇ ˙dn buıddǝʇs pǝʇɹɐʇs ǝɥ ssǝןun ǝʌɐɹb sıɥ ɯıɥ pǝʍoɥs puɐ ǝsnoɥ sqɐظuooʞ oʇ ɹǝʌo ʇuǝʍ ı uǝɥʇ pǝןɐǝɥ ǝq pןnoʍ ǝɥ ɹɐǝʎ ʇxǝu ǝɯıʇ sıɥʇ ʎq ɯıɥ pןoʇ puɐ 'ǝɹnʇnɟ sɐɯʇsıɹɥɔ ɟo ʇsoɥb ǝןoɥʍ ǝɥʇ pıp puɐ ǝʌǝ sɐɯʇsıɹɥɔ uo ǝsnoɥ sʎuǝǝɹb oʇuı ʞɔnus ı 'sʎɐʍ ɹǝɥʇo uı sʎoq ɹno dןǝɥ oʇ ɹǝʍod ʇɐɥʇ ǝsn oʇ pǝıɹʇ

˙ssǝʍoɹd-buıʞɔnɟ-ɹǝɥʇoɯ-ǝʞıן-pob ʎɯ ɥʇıʍ sɹǝʎɐןd buıɹnظuı puɐ punoɹbɹǝpun buıʌıן uǝǝq ʇusɐɥ ʎןʇɐuıɟǝp oɥʍ ˙ʇı ɥʇıʍ op oʇ buıɥʇou pɐɥ oɥʍ uɐɯ ɐ 'ǝɯ oʇ ǝsıɹdɹns ɐ sı ʇɐɥʇ ˙ʍoʍ ¿ʇno ןןɐ ǝɹɐ sǝʎoq puɐ 'sɹǝʎɯ ɹǝןʎʇ 'ʞǝuɐʌ

˙ʇno ʎɹʇ oʇ ʇǝb uǝʌǝ ʇ,usǝop ǝɥ ([uosuǝʞןıʍ ǝıbbǝɹ ʎoq ʎɯ ɯoɹɟ ɹoɟ ʞɔnɟ ןɐıɔǝds ɐɹʇxǝ] ɐɐb ɹıǝɥʇ uɐɥʇ ɹǝbbıq sǝןoɥʇʇnq ɥʇıʍ sǝıןɐob ɹoɟ pǝʞoʌǝɹ snʇɐʇs-oןɟ) ɥɔʇıq pǝɹıɐɥ ʇǝןןnɯ ʇɐɥʇ ןןǝʇ ɯɐǝʇ ɔıdɯʎןo ʇxǝu ǝɥʇ ɥɔɐoɔ oʇ pǝʞsɐ ɯ,ı uǝɥʍ ˙buıɥʇǝɯos uo ʎɐןd ʎʇʇıɥs sıɥ ǝɯɐןq uɐɔ ǝɥ os ɯıɥ uɐɹ ɔıɔnן ʎʞɔnן sʇı ˙ɹɐǝʎ sıɥʇ ɹǝusןıɯ uɐʎɹ ɟo pnoɹd ʎןןɐǝɹ ǝq ʇsnɯ noʎ 'ʞɔınq 0661 ɐ ɟo ǝnןɐʌ ǝןɐsǝɹ ǝɥʇ ןןɐ ɥʇıʍ ˙ʞǝǝʍ sıɥʇ sǝɹqɐsǝן ɹnoʎ ʇsuıɐbɐ sǝɯɐb oʍʇ ɟo ǝuo sı sıɥʇ buıɹǝpısuoɔ ʎןןɐıɔǝdsǝ 'noʎ ɟo ʇno ʇıɥs ǝɥʇ buıʇɐǝq ɯıɥ ɟo ʎɹoʇsıɥ ɐ ǝʌɐɥ ǝןɐp puɐ noʎ pɐןb ɯ,ı


˙ʇsıן ʎɯ uo ǝuo ɹǝqɯnu uɐɯ ʎןuo sı uosɐɯ ǝsooɯ ʇɐɥʇ ʎɐs sʇǝן ʇnq 'noʎ ʎןuo ǝɯɐןq ʇ,uop ı 'ɥo ¿pǝɹıɟ ǝɯ ʇǝb noʎ uǝɥʇ 'ǝɯ ʇsuıɐbɐ sʇı ssǝןun ʇıɥs ǝʞıן sʎɐןd ɯɐǝʇ ʇıɥs ɹnoʎ ˙uıʞɹǝɯ ɐ sʇı ןןǝʇ uɐɔ ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ ʇnq 'ʎnb sıɥʇ ǝq oʇ ǝʇɐɥ ı 'ʇunɔ pǝʇɐןnɔןɐɔ ןooɔ noʎ 'ɟɟnɹ ʎpuıן

Its a december thing: Dec. 28, 2011

I thought there was a chance, watching 24/7 (yeah, I got hbo underground, I may be waging a war on the nhl but Im not a poor, gross.) that I may grow to like sean avery, and when I say like, I mean I thought there might be a chance to appreciate his trollmanship. 24/7 is great at humanizing asscunts, for example watching last seasons you'd never have suspected dan byslimia fancy dans his son on a daily basis. But he does.

Nope, i hate sean avery even more. I'm not sure how its possible, but it's true. What a douche snozzle. New York may think their on a douchey hot streak because jack tortollini loo...oh god. I havent had torts since Ive been down here. MOOSE! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME! '

DIG
DIG
DIG
DIOG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
FIG
FIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
FIG
DFI
H"FG
FIG
DI
GDIG
DIG
ID
GID
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DGI
DGID
GIG
DUG
DIG
DIG
DGI
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DOG

moose. i know you can hear me. ive got a hard on for your death.

p.s. BEAGSSSSSSSSS

My enemy's enemy

Lindy Ruff, you cool calculated cunt, I hate to be this guy, but everyone can tell its a merkin. Your shit team plays like shit unless its against me, then you get me fired? Oh, I don't blame only you, but lets say that Moose Mason is only man number one on my list.

I'm glad you and Dale have a history of him beating the shit out of you, especially considering this is one of two games against your lesabres this week. With all the resale value of a 1990 buick, you must be really proud of ryan milsner this year. Its lucky Lucic ran him so he can blame his shitty play on something. When I'm asked to coach the next olympic team tell that mullet haired bitch (flo-status revoked for goalies with buttholes bigger than their GAA [extra special fuck for from my boy Reggie Wilkenson]) he doesn't even get to try out.

Vanek, Tyler Myers, and Boyes are all out? WOW. That is a surprise to me, a man who had nothing to do with it. Who definatly hasnt been living underground and injuring players with my GOD-LIKE-MOTHER-FUCKING-PROWESS.

Tried to use that power to help our boys in other ways, I snuck into Greenys house on Christmas eve and did the whole ghost of christmas future, and told him by this time next year he would be healed then I went over to koonjabs house and showed him his grave unless he started stepping up. Then I went to Carlsons house and tracked mud all over the carpet because BRUCEY RUNS THE COMMERCIALS IN THIS TOWN.

Pork these New Yorkers.

Moose Mason is the Only Devil I know: Dec 23, 2011

When Brucey shows up to games, (or at least watches form under the arena) the boys can feel it in they bones! I mean, come now, I show and we get an OBS a goal each game. Hot cha cha cha cha. fuck. You'd think 100 miles underground I wouldnt be able to smell the stink of south jersey, but that shit permeates anything. Holy fuck, its like a post-apocalyptic walk to newark. On may walking man radio I hear mike green skated with the team, huzzah mikey. They also said Double Nickel is out, huzzah dale! Something something, fuck the devils.

Now onto the important news. We've made it to the rockies. Progress is tough as anyone who is named John Henry will know, plowing through mountains is rough stuff. Even underground, because under mountains is solid gold, thats what keeps them im place, if they didnt have a solid structure they would just cave in when all those fatties skied on em.

Im coming Moose. Make it a merry christmas, that is if evil twins that are spans of satan celebrate christmas. Because it will be your last.

merry holidays and bruce toots to everyone,
Brucey Beens

HAPPY 1K D MIKE KNUMBLLES: Dec 20, 2011

You done it, of course, only, like, less than 20 fucking percent has been with the Caps. AND WHAT DID BRUCEY TELL YOU BITCHES ABOUT GIVING ONLY 20%?!

...although, i guess thats why they fired brucey. i wanted too much. ];
but i loved too much too.

Because of this monumental achievement, I've left the moles to the drilling and I've come to watch the game today, don't let Papa Beansy down, I need this motivation to keep my drill baby drill meter redlining!
Plus, someones gotta come back and give lil' Greensy his shot to the groin. I'd nominate Eakster, but you stupid fucks sent him back down to Hershey, ITS LIKE IM NOT EVEN RUNNING THIS TEAM ANYMORE!

Berry Trotz is putting in the backup? Holy Porkins man. IS THIS WHAT YOUVE LET US BECOME OVIE! A BACKUP GOALIES PARADIESE? If you dont light up this motherfucker, if you dont brak out of your goddam shell, PAY ATTENTION SAHHHSHA, THIS IS FOR YOU TOO, you stupid fucks, youve taken the red and youre walking all over it, without fucking skateguards on. THEY THINK THEY DONT NEED PEKKKE, MAKE THEM PAYYYE.

Go get em Neuvy.

P.S. Hey faggots, did you know knubes has more goals in his 30's than THE GREAT ONE? true. look it up. Oh, than shit in a jewish donut and eat it for doubting I wouldnt know what the fucking im talking about.


P.P.S. MOOSE MASON, YOU POND SLUCKING FLICKER FLUCK, THE HOUR IS APPROACING. YOU STILL HAVE TIME. BUT SOON YOU WONT. SOON YOU WILL HEAR A KNOCK ON QUACKER STADIUM. And on that day, it will be too late.

p.p.p.s. heres a huge fucking version instead of the gif.

SEND MORE BLASTING CAPS: Dec. 17, 2011

THAT WASNT A PUN. WE'VE HIT SOME MAJOR ROADBLOCKS ON THE WEST SIDE OF THE APPALACHIANS. ASIDE FROM FIGHTING OFF MOTHER FUCKING METH-HEADS, WE'VE COME UP AGAISNT A WALL OF ...ROCK OR SOMETHING. I DON'T SPEAK FUCKING MOLE YET. FUCK! WE'VE BEEN BLOWING OUR WAY THROUGH, AND IV'E LOST SOME OF MY HEARING, I GUESS THE VOICE TO TYPE CONVERTER IS TAKING MY YELLING AS CAPS LOCK. JUST LIKE MY CAPS ARE LOCKED ON WINNING. YA DIG? NO. THATS WHAT THE MOLE-PEOPLE ARE FOR.

SO HERES THE GOD DAMN DEAL. I'VE SENT WARLY A PACKAGE, GOT THE IDEA FROM THIS GUY I MET DOWN HERE WITH A GIANT BEARD AND SUNGLASSES.  UNDERGROUND! WHAT A FUCKING GOOF! ANYWAY, ITS DOUBLE KN-WHAT? OH...oh. My new mole-assistant pulled out some cotton-balls from my ears. Why didn't he tell me about those before.

Well, it's duble knubbles 999th game! Motherfuckers gonna play like satan upside down. Deal with it, I'm too busy to entertain you fucks. Im tunneling through the fucking continent. eat a cunt.

Do it Cappies.

MOlesistant! Cotton.

DO IT CAPPIE BOYSSSSSS!

Pegging the Peg. Dec 15, 2011

GOD DAMMIT. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO FOR YOU FUCKS!? IM LIVING IN A GODDAM CAVE, MY WIFE IS PORKING MY EVIL TWIN, MY SON IS CALLING HIM PEP-PEP, I'VE COMMITTED BRAIN MURDER FOR YOU, BUT YOU DECIDE TO LET IN GOALS LIKE THAT DAGMAR? YOU STILL WONT SCORE ALEX/ALEX?!?!¡¿ you guys are the worst. I havnt tunneled to the peg yet. I've got an express line being worked on, straight to Anaheim. They've made it to the nascar predators stadium. IM COMING TO FUCK YOUR EAR MOOSE MASON! We need these points, we're no longer in a lulzy situation. We're behind Atlanta in the standings. When was the last time we were out of first. GOD DAMN YOU GMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGM!

Brucey still <3 dale.

oh, and if youre 12, or named jon and confused about the title:
Pegging (verb): Anal sex reveresed. instead of the man sticking his penis up the womans butt, the woman wears a strap-on and sticks it up the mans butt.

Results. Dec 13, 2011

I told you brucey would fucking get things done. Out of the picture I am not. I promised my cappies before I left I was going to make it their year. As you may have figured out, my moles dug a hole out to Phillys rink. I infected Prongers water with meningitis and toxoplasmas. ...Brain matter eating parasites. BRUCEYS WILL BE DONE.

But that wasnt enough. We're still on a comeback tour, We need that fucking confidence of three wins in a mother fucking row. I cry at night thinking about about gunner and lennon growing up in a home where win streak isnt what the peppy hendrix is reporting. So i jacked up Simmons kneepads with weights and injected metal into the middle of the pucks. I run around under the rink with a big magnet and control the puck. HEAD. KNEE. WHIPLASH. BRUCEYS WILL BE DONE.

So now Giroux' out. You're welcome. Motherfucker thinks he can have one front tooth. WHATISTHISGUYHUHTHINKSHESOVI?

Do you see? Do you see what I can do? A man not forced to live to the pressures of the media, or GMGM? The good I can accomplish!? They'll remember me. hundreds of years from now, the mark of Brucey will be around. The legacy of the Caps! OH theyll have legends about me, the Great Gabby and everything I did to clear the way.



p.s. MOOSE MASON, THIS IS JUST A WARM UP. YOUR DAY OF RIZ-ECKONING IS COMING. HEED MY WARNING NOW. RESIGN OR I WILL HAVE TO RESIGN YOU.

they drew FIRST BLOOD. DEC 9, 2011

We were in this bar in Toronto and this fucking frostback kid comes up, this kid carrying a skate-shine box. And he says "Shine, please, shine!" I said no. He kept askin', yeah, and Joey said "Yeah." And I went to get a couple of labatt blues, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place. And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just...like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, my friend that's all over me! I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! 
And nobody would help! 


Nobody would help! 


He's saying, sayin' "I wanna go home! I wanna go home!" He keeps calling my name! "I wanna go home, Brucey! I wanna drive my Chevy!" I said "WITH WHAT? I CAN'T FIND YOUR FUCKIN' LEGS! 


I CAN'T FIND YOUR LEGS!" 






The leafs drew first blood.
the only way they're going back to canada is in body-bags.

crossed the border: Dec 7, 2011

Ive made some new friends living underground, there are quite a lot of us, you see. I've paid off some hedgehogs to burrow the way underground to all the stadiums in the NHL. They've had all their men working 24/7 to make it Scotia place tonight, but IM HERZE CAPPYS! IM HERE! BRUCIE LOVES YOU! He'LL never miss another game!  Iv'e contracted the lizard-men to make me some sort of rocket sled system to travel underground. Just cuz bruice is now living under the earths core righting wrongs don't mean he still wont celebrate with 3 cakes a day. I got no intention of dropping lbs, I've got to stay in my shape, round, for my glorious return!

Those sens. Those dirty Alfredsens. Those cunting senaturds. They dont stand a chance, according to my schematics I'm set up right under their locker room. And i've got the molemens doomsday device pointed up at their buttholes! now I just need to figure out how to read mole. These instructions are dense.

<3 bruce toots



MASON MOOSE.
TEAM SONIC WILL REACH ANAHEIM.
EXPECT ME.

20,000 Leagues below Verizon: Dec 5, 2011

FUCK!!! Now that the homestand is over this will be the first time I won't be with my boys in years. I'll do my best to make it to as many away games as I can, but I've been trying to set up my subterranean home. I had to kidnap Eakins to set up my internet, those young kids know how to do that, but I think my fucking mask may have scared him, no one must know the goose is loose! i tried to speak gently, but he still peed his pants poor boy, thats why he hasn't scored in the last few games.

I missed my opportunity to sneak onto the belly of the DJKING party air dirigible to get down to florida, I was fighting the alligators that live in the sewers all around the new casa de Brucey. I guess its a lucky thing for the half cocked popo of Sunshine, FLOW-rida, because Brucey woulda had to ice a wholleee bunch of ex-caps due to his new policy of killing anyone getting in the way of a Caps Cup. ...then the murder...ill pin it on moose! the dna will match! then he'll go to jail, and while hes waiting for the needle he'll get his moose caboose stuffed with inmate juice! WHICH IS TOO GOOD FOR THE BASTARD!

You watch out, next time you see the cappies florida. Im starting with all the betrayers, gordo, fleish, strum...ehh, marco can live, he's no threat, and hes been on 17 teams in the last 4 months, I kinda feel bad. BUT YOU WILL LOOSE PANTHERS. BIGTIME. NO ONE TAKES OUR PERCH ATOP THE SOUTHEAST WITHOUT A FUCKING CURB STOP!

BRUCEY SUPPORTS HUNTER.
NOW BRUCEY WILL BECOME A HUNTER.

MOOSE MASON! IF YOU ARE READING THIS TELL THE TRUTH AND RESIGN! YOU ARE RUINING MY RECORD! BRUCEY B BLEEDS RED! TAINT A DUCK FEATHER IN MY BODY! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO YOUR TWIN!

pps. my beard itches

OH PLEASE POOPS ON NOOPS! 12/1/2011

Dear, treasured booty blog readers, let me assure you…I DID NOT TAKE THE ANAHEIM DUCKS JOB. I was takin my twin brother Moose Mason Boudreau to the Ducks game when I was visitin the fam out in Riverdale, CA and we were tryin to get teemu to autograph our GAP white tees in between periods. One minute I’m screamin out for teemu to fucking look at me and the next I’m watchin my twin brother being dragged up the stairs by the stadium fuzz. I tried to run after them but I had to stop for a DuckDog with the fixins. I spent the next two periods lookin for my brother in every ladies bathroom but I couldn’t find the fella. I assumed he had broken free using his incredible strength and just run home but when I got back to the ranch home he and my grandmother share, he was nowhere to be found. We turned on the tv and saw him holdin up a signed teemu jersey in a Ducks press conference naming him the new head coach. They wanted Bruce the Goose but they got the Moose. And the moose got a gotdamn teemu selanne signed gameworn jersey. That fucking asshole. I’ll teach him/them/everygotdamnbody to steal the bruces identity. From now on, I shall live my life deep under the Verizon center, fighting injustice through the interweb as BruceGoose/BruceToots/Tutes/othernicknames in order to restore my NHL legacy. Every gotdamn boddy knows the caps are my boys and always will be. And tonight I will show that love through my first action as the Verizon centers caped crusader:

I, BIGBOOTYBRUCE, PUT OUT A BOUNTY OF 1,000 DOLLARS IN PALMRESTAURANT BUCKS ON THE CONCUSSED HEAD OF SID THE KID CROSBY AS WELL AS ANYONE ELSE WEARING A PENGUIN ON THEIR CREST.

AN ADDITIONAL 200 PALMBUCKS WILL GO TO ANY REDSHIRT WHO SCORES

AN ADDITIONAL 100 PALMBUCKS WILL GO TO ANY REDSHIRT WHO SHAVED THEIR MOVEMBER MOUSTACHE, A MONTH TO BE OFFICIALLY RENAMED “AREALSHITMONTH” ON EVERY CALENDAR

This is the game where Dale and the boys turn the season around. lord knows the goose is fighting WITH you!!!!!

Stay sweet y’all