Eastern Semi Scarface Murder Plan 101

Holla Swizzlets!⁄¡

Its yer boy Brucey Mother Fuckin' B here. Back from my hiatus of rumming up cocoanuts, living the F-L-A lifestyle. Step 1 in murdering a hideous hockey coach and an ugly team, know thy enemy, and I have the puke stains on my carpet to prove it. So, its become a battle royale with our southeast division rivals, theyve got Stamkos, and Rolo-Tony, and a midget saint from booty-clap town. Fortunately our D boys are tighter than a suicide bombers virgin, and with Wideman getting better every second we're just gonna go into shutdown mode.  Double fortunately for people who love hockey, we're not a D mans team, We've got our boys up front. right right, you get it. The Greatest Ate, Nickelbackstrom, Rockem Sockem Semin, Hojo Mojo, right you get it. I dont have time to come up with kick ass nicknames like double knuble or double nickel, Im coaching a fucking playoff team.  I've spoken at large before about my animosity for the "Lightning Bolts" but now that we've hit playoff time, time to quintuple their facial scars. I've seen the french connection, a little bit of heroin will take down lacaviler and gange (I dont give a fuck how they spell their names, I ain't been scared fo the french since I found out you can buy ice cream in just one flavor per box. FUCK YOU NAPOLEON, I HATE STRAWBERRY!)

Anyway, what do you want me to say, we're gonna win. I'll write more as it becomes appropriate. FUCKERS


oh...I forget a DJ King joke...lemme get my cats some meth so they go on photoshoppe spree

Playoff Break Musings: Apr 26, 2011

You've never seen Brucey and Batman at the same place at the same time...

We Were Louder: Apr 23, 2011

nah nah nah nah 
nah nah nah nah
hey hey hey
goodbyeeee

GAME 5. BOOM. Apr 23, 2011

What a faggot, can you believe this shit? I'm too pissed off to even see straight. Tell me, is every caps fan a secret mother fuck? Because I'll just close this shit down now.

Zen and the Art of Hamburger Butts: A Bruces Blog Mid-Conference Quarter FInals Interlude featuring Text and Graphic.

♬ Ooh wah, ooh wah, cool, cool Brucey ♩
♩Tell us about the boy from new york city. ♫
OOOH YEAH!

I know what you be thinkin, but which boy Brucey? Which boy? Feditanko and his sickkkk 10 goals this season? o}; Dubinsky and his lucky tripple bounces? Nah, man, we aint playing snooker. Lunquiviusk. lol, Have I made fun of his name yet? What a fucking doof. No, readers, we're talking about the team as a whole, they're not great, the're not good, and they can't make romance ♫ The problem is that we just took umm, oh 8 penalties? Can we trade in the pussies in zebra stripes for some refs that know this is playoff hockey? Bottom line, I'm wasn't worried about last game, and I'm not worried about this one, and I get paid to worry. We're gonna take one from MSG and come to finish it at home, that is what you guys wanted, right? 4 games is too short, you get too long a break, get cold, 5 or 6 games is the perfect amount. We'll do it in 5, only because the stupid press loves to dog Brucey. Dog this: The garden is shitty, dank, dark, and smells like Jersey, The New York press is about as dim as the lighting in Pedophile Square Garden. (not a square either.) Check out the post-game interviews if you want to hear the drunkards that call themselves journalists butcher the english language just to ask the same questions over and over, as if they made sense the first time. I'm over this series, I'm over the Rangers, I'm over the guy in the suit named after totino's pizza rolls. (Jeremy, see if we can get me an advertising job for pizza rolls. mmmmm, Ill do it for a years supply, and them installing a microwave in my Merce--Just call me) Everyones been super bummed I've been sitting Fher...sorry? I was pretty sure chimera would have been so excited by this point he would have hurt himself and we'd need my boy Eric. Dollars to donughts Chimpy runs headfirst into the boards this game celebrating he got over 6 minutes of ice time. Im gonna go grab some totino's, its a filling snack you can take anywhere! Does anyone actually know the rules to snooker? Or bumper pool for that matter? We have a table downstairs, I let the cats pee on it...well, I don't let them do anything. We cant really go down to the rumpus room anymore, see, we gave them catnip laced with meth, so theyve gotten pretty aggressive and dont sleep. ever. they've taken over. help.

Kal-AL keeps sending me beard update pictures. This is strange. I hope he stops calling me poppa and asking to sit on my lap.

Bruce.

Red Rocking in NYC MSG...See? April 17, 2011

Lots of mothra fuckers (e.g. Rodan, SpaceGodzila) were worried about us facing the Rangers in the first round. After the first 138 minutes they've gotten one goal on us.  Tonight we prove we're more than delicious delicious scrapple and take it to the fucks on their own ice. If we can make it there, we can make it anywhere. Remember when I promised to fire bomb the other boroughs when we beat the Isles? Bombs planted. Of course, the bombs only target Rangers fans, so anyone living in NYC not smoking meth or with an IQ above 17 wont be harmed, unfortunately that should take out most of the rangers team (lol, what rule suspends you for bombing morons commish?) and dj king. I've always thought myself a chess man, and sacrificing a pawn in part of a larger maneuver has never scared me. I've been channeling dead spirits as part of my training to attain immortality and today I got to talk to John Lennon, which was pretty cool, he taught me all about using my imagination, and we did some pretending, what if I was a black, what if I had a ghost dick and was a shitty whalers coach that got fired for the person I replaced before I could even finish the season, what if all the air suddenly turned into wood, but when I tried to imagine the Rangers winning the series my brain started spewing thick green pea soup and John started screaming in pain "YOU BROKE ME" "THAT CANT BE". He disappeared into flames and my celling started raining blood, fuck, I need a new suit. Today, we'll have a fight or two, we'll have goals and we'll have saves.  The one thing I'm sure about (aside from my sleep-less efforts to plot against Pierre) is this one won't be an overtime contest. Show early, shits gonna get wackier than an herbal jazz cigarette.

Suck my dick
Suck my dick
Im Bruce
Suck my dick

Pierre Saga Pt. II--Mcguire prepares to die: Apr 16, 2011

Here is the letter I received, as noted in the last blog post:

Dear Bryce Boudreau coach of the Washington crapitals (haha yes)

This is Pierre “joncryerfan20” mcguire. Enzo and doc airdropped me some crayons and graphing paper down to me inside the glass so I could vent. I owe my life to those boys, doc and enzo. Saved me from my life as a pittsburgh penguins assistant coach, jerking off jagr in the visitors locker room after games for corn dogs, right doc?

I DIGRESS.

Heres the deal: ovie’s a bitch, semins shit, neuvy lets in goals like I let enzos in, one fist at a time. Arnott can go fuck himself for turning down my application to be his little brother, and chimera….chimeras no bald brother…he just shaves to get that turbo boost and we all know it, right enzo?

Look brucie, you guys are too flashy to beat the blue collar blueshirts. I don't buy into your new defense first mentality, youre all too fucking drunk off coconut flavored rum to do anything but piss yourselves and pass out in the offensive zone, aren’t I right here doc? Watch some footage of the whalers back when I was behind the bench and maybe you’ll learn something about the beautiful game eh enzo?

Don't try and get me back for this on your journal. Doc reads me to sleep every night through our headphones. He reads me every post that you throw up there. Makes me a perfect mix of nauseous and horny. Doc’s got that combo of rasp and sultry vox that gives me a boner down there, right doc? I’ll piss on your internet and no one will be able to read what you wrote through the bloody drippings. I don't really know how the internet works actually, am I right enzo?

Fuck off,

Sincerely,

pierre

 (if you wouldn't mind transcribing this letter that would be great. I woulda wrote this to your blog comments section but I don't have a computer in here anymore, got too many complaints about players being distracted by my tentacle porn. I’ve got a bucket, my cat and old chicken giblets to my name. stinks down here eh enzo?) 

-------------------

He just signed his death certificate. Ill keep you updated. 

BRUCE

PREPARE TO GET IT PIERRE! Apr 16, 2011

Many of you may have noticed the lack of a motherfucking game day post during game 2 with the cock-sucking Rangers. Some of you may have assumed I finally had the big heart attack we're waiting on. Well fuck you, I run a hockey team, I don't get paid to blog so you shit blasters can kill time til you get to go home from your 9-5 and dull your pain with rum coconuts.  But I would have blogged, I love Caps fans. But That goddam cunt pierre. He's done. He kidnapped my son. I cant prove it was him that set it up, but I spent all friday killing eastern-euro golliwoggs (NO, YOU'RE XENOPHOBIC!) to get my boy back. I wouldn't have had any ideas who it was, see, BRUCEY SHOOTS FIRST, ASKS QUESTIONS LATER. THE ONLY MAN I TRUST IS A DEAD MAN, AND THEY CAN'T TALK. But I received a letter today, I know there can only be one Sinestro-esque shadow puppeteer behind the curtain. More to come.

FUCK,
Bruce

Playoff Blog: Apr 13, 2011

Hey there hockey fans, and welcome to the best 8 weeks of the season. Tonight we begin our run against the team with the worst lighting in the league. Playing MSG is like hanging out in a pedophiles basement. The good news is, by the time we get to the "garden" (last time I checked you needed light to make a garden grow) we should be up 2 games.  So heres the deal, we tanya harding Hank Lunquist and I can roll our 3rd and 4th lines to victory, I've never understood teams that work form the goalie out, But I guess some teams like to be boring, at least they dont take it as far as the fucking shit ass trap devils. Those fucks ruined hockey, caused the lockout, and almost killed the nhl. And I'm more than ready to drop my anger bombs from the devils onto the rangers considering both teams start with New, yet smell like anything but(t).  I know we lost to these guys big...twice...but to be fehr I was letting Fahey set the lines and determine the strat (he scored from center ice in the bruce bruce monthly be the coach competition we do at practice), and I didn't actually know he was clinically retarded at the time. Now we have a new number 44. A real number 44, Semin's peepaw. Ill keep it brief, I've got 3 more games to slam the rangers and their lack of deli's and egg bagels, and hopefully Alicia Keys (a different kind of slam with her) Brucey got that jungle fever for her perticular brand of quadroon.

<3 BIG TIME HOCKEY COACH,
Brucey

YEaaaahhh-EAAAA-YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

DOUBLE KNUBLE HOT CORNER: Apr 11, 2011

I signed knubes again, one more year! one more year! scratch and sniff party at kettler!

double knuble is king. long live knubes!

Brucey McFingers Blogtown: Apr 9, 2011

Fuck a doodle doo, finally, some r&r down in F-L-A. Its our last game of the year and we're ready to show the world why we won the eastern conference, but first, one more battle with the jungle catzillas. I realize we've nothing to gain with this win, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to make all of our players, injured or not, get some ice time, we've got to be playoff fit! lol, jk dj, sit down. But Green, Poti, Wilfred, time to step up. And no getting lazy towards the end boys, that was some scary wonk for a second.  Mercedes surprised me this morning, with a wonderful new toy, they said within the last month 12,000 people bought new cars form them and asked for the Bruce B Model, I'm a regular Eddie Bauer over here! Anyway, they knew we were going to Florida, so they designed a new aquatic Lil' Brucey. I was kind of upset as the real Bruce model has ample cup holders and a stick to impale a hamburger with for hands free eating, but im sure they'll work those into Lil Brucey mk 2. Anyway, Weiss is still out with chainsaw related injuries, as is Va'koon, and Wideman wont betray us since his robot leg has him flying at light speed around the world (who knows where he is now, once he learns how to control that thing, lookout next years skills competition for fastest skater!). So I'm about as worried as a 2 headed calf in india. ULTIMATE GOD POWER!

ULTIMATE BRUCE POWER!
ULTIMATE BRUCE TOOTS!

hahahahha, oh! I get it now!

p.s. dj! grab a jersey! you're in.

LOL FILLY: Apr 8, 2011

Bruce's Last Home Blog of Regulation: Apr 6, 2011

I remember sitting in a hotel, on the road for the Springfield Indians, watching Samurai Pizza Cats and dreaming one day all that stood between me and a glorious run for the Lord Stanley's cup was murdering some fucking cats. And now we get to do it. Twice. We're gonna go Gummo on those Florida boys and show the greatest hometown what stuff we're made of, and come playoff time, how we're gonna steamroll. I'm not gonna help you fantasy fucks, maybe Greens in, maybe Semins out, maybe Poti my new DD coach. (designated driver, for when we get drunk tonihgggtttttttttt! Pete DeBooer brought up a new shipment of coconuts for rum drink...in exchange for me to sit Matty P buahahahah! Who does his scouting reports? Oh, a Caps spy? WHAT!)  Point is we've got two games against a team thats lost their last 8, and not that we can't sympathize, but its time to put our bootstrap down and choke the life out of these cats, a necessary sacrifice to embarrass the Flyers, who just loved holding that 1 spot. FUCKERS! Don't worry about the lines, Backy will be where he belongs, with lazer hot doubleknuble I'm just trying to confuse the other teams for playoffs...I hope they dont read this blog. I'm expecting a big game from Fehr tonight, mainly because of how hot his wife is. And a big one from Chim because he decided to grow a pair of balls as of late and do some fighting, so the extra testosterone should add some gorilla-esque strength to his cheetah speed. Does anyone know what the deal is with jell-o and the whole ready, set, giggle campaign? They should have come to Bruce, I fuckin' love pudding snack packs, how about Ready, Set, BRUCEY! Dont show up late, we're doing this one without overtime.
BRUCE TOOTS!

Bruce's Talkey Talk Word Site: Apr 5, 2011

Greetings from Toronto, my Somali trip got cut short when the Piratles all got killed by the Canadian Boat Mounted Horse Mounted Mounties, but today I've got payback against the entire country with a disgraceful loss on Hockey Night in Canada. (not the actual broadcast, I've poisoned Don Cherry for being a dumber motherfucker than pierre, so they're on hiatus until they find the antidote (Hint: its worse than the poison)) The Maple Leafs are no joke, they've been playing hot in the last 10, and every game is a must win to hit post season. Tonight, we'll shatter their dreams and clench the southeast division. DOUBLE VICTORY FOR AMERICA! In other news widemans robot leg came in from japan (although its glowing and melts any doctor who touches it) and we're waiting for the jet fuel nozzle to come in before its installed, I expect him back for the florida game. Tonight I'll be putting Hendricks in the lineup, he had to sit time-out, (but like I told him, he hasnt done nothing worng, hes my boy, I just had to make it look fair) so expect him to feel extra scrappy tonight. I expect double knuble to keep up his hot streak and jimmy or not to hit at least 401 on the goal count. AND OBI DOBIE TO HIT 300. What say you boys, how bout we rent a leaf blower from home depot, pile up our competition, set them on fire and enjoy the beautiful smell of our labors. GODDAMIT. GO GET ME A PB&NUTELLA.


PS. the antidote is horse shit.

SPECIAL EDITION: Apr 3rd, 2011

1st PLACE IN THE EAST BABY!

Bubbies Bubble Blagosphere: Apr 2, 2011

Wassamatter? Is the American hero not ready to come to DC because he knows he failed his country in the gold metal game? Because he knows we're planning on chemically castrating him to prevent future generations of American failures? Maybe? So today we play Mark Buffalo, like I'm worried? Shit, we're even having Brooksy play defense tonight, because we've only got like...2 left? They tell me Arnot only needs one more goal to hit 4HUNDO...and Ovie is two shy of 3HUNDO, and thats pretty slick, I mean, I hope they get it, but to be totally honest I won't be at the game, Teddy paid for me and the misses to go on a booze cruze till the playoffs started. Right now I'm off the coast of motherfuckin' Somalia kickin' it with some nice dudes I met, I asked them where the best rum was, they pointed a gun in my face, fuck, was I red! They weren't cruise employees! I called kettler earlier today to set lines (like I'll trust dj again) and I promised the boys if we win the cup, I'll bring em back to this paradise! Bottom line: do it stupids. Top line: theres a more important game tonight. Good luck Buxsby.
<3 Brucey
P.S. I totally got a moonstone today in pokemon
P.P.S. The somalians have made me their leader. Time to become the winningest pirate coach ever. WHAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Bruce B's BS Blog: Mar 31, 2011

Hey Skaggs, I doubt any player in the NBA has better flow than Steve Nash, which is why his brother is even lamer than you can imagine. Today we stick it to the blue jacks, who, let's be honest, haven't been cool since they changed their logo from the civil war hat. Or even that bee in the civil war uniform. I guess because they're from buttfuck, Ohio they're mostly racist and wish they had fought for the south. It's no excuse though, because they are about as exciting a hockey team as I am a shitter. (my all meat and coconut rum diet has me on the toilet for hours at a time. Mercedes bought me a 3DS for when I'm crapping though! Those things are cool!) So heres the deal "steve mason" (FBI witness protection name if I've ever heard one) we're gonna get double digits in goals tonight and you're gonna grin and bear it and ram your giant goalie knob up tj...pk...rj umberger's ass. Ya' dig? Oh, and for anyone showing up at the game tonight, if you streak across the ice I'll let you sit on the bench with us the rest of the game. You have my word as best coach. So long fucks! Poti is trying to get me to play him in exchange for some Thai masseuses and a blunt the size of my all meat (the bread is all meat, Haded got me the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine) footlong mid-morning sub.

BRUCE BRUCE: Mar 30, 2011

PAPA LIKE...

CAPS!!