Final Bruce Toots of 2k11: 12,31,2k11

Kuzy, baby, where have you been my entier life, a hat trick and 4 assists in the first juniors championship game? ho mamamma, Am I excited for next year? Yes. Yes I am. Time to leave the KHL and come on home.

So, the blue jacks are tonight. eh? It's kinda like playing the sheepdogs, but you cant count them out, theyre pretty cool at things like their 6 regulation wins. And we're pretty shitty on the road. It could be a real adventure. But Ovi, Semin, and Backie are all streaking hot like a goddam shooting star. My new years resolution for the cappies is a Carlson hattrick and an Orlov Goal. And Eaksters back. How fun. Rick Nash and Antoine Carter are pretty rock steady. (lahahhashlaopl;plololol). Chimera is made of the same glop that oozes from colombus, and he's our leading scorer [editors note, nope, ovi with 14, ya ding dong]. so lets be careful.

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION IS TO PUT ALL FAMILY MATTERS TO REST.

YOU WILL CHOKE ON YOUR SHITTY DUCKS GAME PLANS, MOOSE.




to everyone else, happy new year
BRUCE TOOTS

p.s. its the end of the week, can we have Mike Green back?

Flipping the scrip

Alright. I get it. Time for the exact opposite of last game. Welcome to Verizon, twats.

class FlipScrip{
            public static void main(String[] args){
                     System.NHL.load("FlipScript"){
                          System.NHL.out("Capitals: 10, Buffalo: 0);
                    }
           }
}
     
well, i guess not the exact opposite. but a scripflip none the less.


˙sɹǝʞɹoʎ ʍǝu ǝsǝɥʇ ʞɹod

˙uʍoʇ sıɥʇ uı sןɐıɔɹǝɯɯoɔ ǝɥʇ sunɹ ʎǝɔnɹq ǝsnɐɔǝq ʇǝdɹɐɔ ǝɥʇ ɹǝʌo ןןɐ pnɯ pǝʞɔɐɹʇ puɐ ǝsnoɥ suosןɹɐɔ oʇ ʇuǝʍ ı uǝɥʇ ˙dn buıddǝʇs pǝʇɹɐʇs ǝɥ ssǝןun ǝʌɐɹb sıɥ ɯıɥ pǝʍoɥs puɐ ǝsnoɥ sqɐظuooʞ oʇ ɹǝʌo ʇuǝʍ ı uǝɥʇ pǝןɐǝɥ ǝq pןnoʍ ǝɥ ɹɐǝʎ ʇxǝu ǝɯıʇ sıɥʇ ʎq ɯıɥ pןoʇ puɐ 'ǝɹnʇnɟ sɐɯʇsıɹɥɔ ɟo ʇsoɥb ǝןoɥʍ ǝɥʇ pıp puɐ ǝʌǝ sɐɯʇsıɹɥɔ uo ǝsnoɥ sʎuǝǝɹb oʇuı ʞɔnus ı 'sʎɐʍ ɹǝɥʇo uı sʎoq ɹno dןǝɥ oʇ ɹǝʍod ʇɐɥʇ ǝsn oʇ pǝıɹʇ

˙ssǝʍoɹd-buıʞɔnɟ-ɹǝɥʇoɯ-ǝʞıן-pob ʎɯ ɥʇıʍ sɹǝʎɐןd buıɹnظuı puɐ punoɹbɹǝpun buıʌıן uǝǝq ʇusɐɥ ʎןʇɐuıɟǝp oɥʍ ˙ʇı ɥʇıʍ op oʇ buıɥʇou pɐɥ oɥʍ uɐɯ ɐ 'ǝɯ oʇ ǝsıɹdɹns ɐ sı ʇɐɥʇ ˙ʍoʍ ¿ʇno ןןɐ ǝɹɐ sǝʎoq puɐ 'sɹǝʎɯ ɹǝןʎʇ 'ʞǝuɐʌ

˙ʇno ʎɹʇ oʇ ʇǝb uǝʌǝ ʇ,usǝop ǝɥ ([uosuǝʞןıʍ ǝıbbǝɹ ʎoq ʎɯ ɯoɹɟ ɹoɟ ʞɔnɟ ןɐıɔǝds ɐɹʇxǝ] ɐɐb ɹıǝɥʇ uɐɥʇ ɹǝbbıq sǝןoɥʇʇnq ɥʇıʍ sǝıןɐob ɹoɟ pǝʞoʌǝɹ snʇɐʇs-oןɟ) ɥɔʇıq pǝɹıɐɥ ʇǝןןnɯ ʇɐɥʇ ןןǝʇ ɯɐǝʇ ɔıdɯʎןo ʇxǝu ǝɥʇ ɥɔɐoɔ oʇ pǝʞsɐ ɯ,ı uǝɥʍ ˙buıɥʇǝɯos uo ʎɐןd ʎʇʇıɥs sıɥ ǝɯɐןq uɐɔ ǝɥ os ɯıɥ uɐɹ ɔıɔnן ʎʞɔnן sʇı ˙ɹɐǝʎ sıɥʇ ɹǝusןıɯ uɐʎɹ ɟo pnoɹd ʎןןɐǝɹ ǝq ʇsnɯ noʎ 'ʞɔınq 0661 ɐ ɟo ǝnןɐʌ ǝןɐsǝɹ ǝɥʇ ןןɐ ɥʇıʍ ˙ʞǝǝʍ sıɥʇ sǝɹqɐsǝן ɹnoʎ ʇsuıɐbɐ sǝɯɐb oʍʇ ɟo ǝuo sı sıɥʇ buıɹǝpısuoɔ ʎןןɐıɔǝdsǝ 'noʎ ɟo ʇno ʇıɥs ǝɥʇ buıʇɐǝq ɯıɥ ɟo ʎɹoʇsıɥ ɐ ǝʌɐɥ ǝןɐp puɐ noʎ pɐןb ɯ,ı


˙ʇsıן ʎɯ uo ǝuo ɹǝqɯnu uɐɯ ʎןuo sı uosɐɯ ǝsooɯ ʇɐɥʇ ʎɐs sʇǝן ʇnq 'noʎ ʎןuo ǝɯɐןq ʇ,uop ı 'ɥo ¿pǝɹıɟ ǝɯ ʇǝb noʎ uǝɥʇ 'ǝɯ ʇsuıɐbɐ sʇı ssǝןun ʇıɥs ǝʞıן sʎɐןd ɯɐǝʇ ʇıɥs ɹnoʎ ˙uıʞɹǝɯ ɐ sʇı ןןǝʇ uɐɔ ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ ʇnq 'ʎnb sıɥʇ ǝq oʇ ǝʇɐɥ ı 'ʇunɔ pǝʇɐןnɔןɐɔ ןooɔ noʎ 'ɟɟnɹ ʎpuıן

Its a december thing: Dec. 28, 2011

I thought there was a chance, watching 24/7 (yeah, I got hbo underground, I may be waging a war on the nhl but Im not a poor, gross.) that I may grow to like sean avery, and when I say like, I mean I thought there might be a chance to appreciate his trollmanship. 24/7 is great at humanizing asscunts, for example watching last seasons you'd never have suspected dan byslimia fancy dans his son on a daily basis. But he does.

Nope, i hate sean avery even more. I'm not sure how its possible, but it's true. What a douche snozzle. New York may think their on a douchey hot streak because jack tortollini loo...oh god. I havent had torts since Ive been down here. MOOSE! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME! '

DIG
DIG
DIG
DIOG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
FIG
FIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
FIG
DFI
H"FG
FIG
DI
GDIG
DIG
ID
GID
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DGI
DGID
GIG
DUG
DIG
DIG
DGI
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DOG

moose. i know you can hear me. ive got a hard on for your death.

p.s. BEAGSSSSSSSSS

My enemy's enemy

Lindy Ruff, you cool calculated cunt, I hate to be this guy, but everyone can tell its a merkin. Your shit team plays like shit unless its against me, then you get me fired? Oh, I don't blame only you, but lets say that Moose Mason is only man number one on my list.

I'm glad you and Dale have a history of him beating the shit out of you, especially considering this is one of two games against your lesabres this week. With all the resale value of a 1990 buick, you must be really proud of ryan milsner this year. Its lucky Lucic ran him so he can blame his shitty play on something. When I'm asked to coach the next olympic team tell that mullet haired bitch (flo-status revoked for goalies with buttholes bigger than their GAA [extra special fuck for from my boy Reggie Wilkenson]) he doesn't even get to try out.

Vanek, Tyler Myers, and Boyes are all out? WOW. That is a surprise to me, a man who had nothing to do with it. Who definatly hasnt been living underground and injuring players with my GOD-LIKE-MOTHER-FUCKING-PROWESS.

Tried to use that power to help our boys in other ways, I snuck into Greenys house on Christmas eve and did the whole ghost of christmas future, and told him by this time next year he would be healed then I went over to koonjabs house and showed him his grave unless he started stepping up. Then I went to Carlsons house and tracked mud all over the carpet because BRUCEY RUNS THE COMMERCIALS IN THIS TOWN.

Pork these New Yorkers.

Moose Mason is the Only Devil I know: Dec 23, 2011

When Brucey shows up to games, (or at least watches form under the arena) the boys can feel it in they bones! I mean, come now, I show and we get an OBS a goal each game. Hot cha cha cha cha. fuck. You'd think 100 miles underground I wouldnt be able to smell the stink of south jersey, but that shit permeates anything. Holy fuck, its like a post-apocalyptic walk to newark. On may walking man radio I hear mike green skated with the team, huzzah mikey. They also said Double Nickel is out, huzzah dale! Something something, fuck the devils.

Now onto the important news. We've made it to the rockies. Progress is tough as anyone who is named John Henry will know, plowing through mountains is rough stuff. Even underground, because under mountains is solid gold, thats what keeps them im place, if they didnt have a solid structure they would just cave in when all those fatties skied on em.

Im coming Moose. Make it a merry christmas, that is if evil twins that are spans of satan celebrate christmas. Because it will be your last.

merry holidays and bruce toots to everyone,
Brucey Beens

HAPPY 1K D MIKE KNUMBLLES: Dec 20, 2011

You done it, of course, only, like, less than 20 fucking percent has been with the Caps. AND WHAT DID BRUCEY TELL YOU BITCHES ABOUT GIVING ONLY 20%?!

...although, i guess thats why they fired brucey. i wanted too much. ];
but i loved too much too.

Because of this monumental achievement, I've left the moles to the drilling and I've come to watch the game today, don't let Papa Beansy down, I need this motivation to keep my drill baby drill meter redlining!
Plus, someones gotta come back and give lil' Greensy his shot to the groin. I'd nominate Eakster, but you stupid fucks sent him back down to Hershey, ITS LIKE IM NOT EVEN RUNNING THIS TEAM ANYMORE!

Berry Trotz is putting in the backup? Holy Porkins man. IS THIS WHAT YOUVE LET US BECOME OVIE! A BACKUP GOALIES PARADIESE? If you dont light up this motherfucker, if you dont brak out of your goddam shell, PAY ATTENTION SAHHHSHA, THIS IS FOR YOU TOO, you stupid fucks, youve taken the red and youre walking all over it, without fucking skateguards on. THEY THINK THEY DONT NEED PEKKKE, MAKE THEM PAYYYE.

Go get em Neuvy.

P.S. Hey faggots, did you know knubes has more goals in his 30's than THE GREAT ONE? true. look it up. Oh, than shit in a jewish donut and eat it for doubting I wouldnt know what the fucking im talking about.


P.P.S. MOOSE MASON, YOU POND SLUCKING FLICKER FLUCK, THE HOUR IS APPROACING. YOU STILL HAVE TIME. BUT SOON YOU WONT. SOON YOU WILL HEAR A KNOCK ON QUACKER STADIUM. And on that day, it will be too late.

p.p.p.s. heres a huge fucking version instead of the gif.

SEND MORE BLASTING CAPS: Dec. 17, 2011

THAT WASNT A PUN. WE'VE HIT SOME MAJOR ROADBLOCKS ON THE WEST SIDE OF THE APPALACHIANS. ASIDE FROM FIGHTING OFF MOTHER FUCKING METH-HEADS, WE'VE COME UP AGAISNT A WALL OF ...ROCK OR SOMETHING. I DON'T SPEAK FUCKING MOLE YET. FUCK! WE'VE BEEN BLOWING OUR WAY THROUGH, AND IV'E LOST SOME OF MY HEARING, I GUESS THE VOICE TO TYPE CONVERTER IS TAKING MY YELLING AS CAPS LOCK. JUST LIKE MY CAPS ARE LOCKED ON WINNING. YA DIG? NO. THATS WHAT THE MOLE-PEOPLE ARE FOR.

SO HERES THE GOD DAMN DEAL. I'VE SENT WARLY A PACKAGE, GOT THE IDEA FROM THIS GUY I MET DOWN HERE WITH A GIANT BEARD AND SUNGLASSES.  UNDERGROUND! WHAT A FUCKING GOOF! ANYWAY, ITS DOUBLE KN-WHAT? OH...oh. My new mole-assistant pulled out some cotton-balls from my ears. Why didn't he tell me about those before.

Well, it's duble knubbles 999th game! Motherfuckers gonna play like satan upside down. Deal with it, I'm too busy to entertain you fucks. Im tunneling through the fucking continent. eat a cunt.

Do it Cappies.

MOlesistant! Cotton.

DO IT CAPPIE BOYSSSSSS!

Pegging the Peg. Dec 15, 2011

GOD DAMMIT. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO FOR YOU FUCKS!? IM LIVING IN A GODDAM CAVE, MY WIFE IS PORKING MY EVIL TWIN, MY SON IS CALLING HIM PEP-PEP, I'VE COMMITTED BRAIN MURDER FOR YOU, BUT YOU DECIDE TO LET IN GOALS LIKE THAT DAGMAR? YOU STILL WONT SCORE ALEX/ALEX?!?!¡¿ you guys are the worst. I havnt tunneled to the peg yet. I've got an express line being worked on, straight to Anaheim. They've made it to the nascar predators stadium. IM COMING TO FUCK YOUR EAR MOOSE MASON! We need these points, we're no longer in a lulzy situation. We're behind Atlanta in the standings. When was the last time we were out of first. GOD DAMN YOU GMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGM!

Brucey still <3 dale.

oh, and if youre 12, or named jon and confused about the title:
Pegging (verb): Anal sex reveresed. instead of the man sticking his penis up the womans butt, the woman wears a strap-on and sticks it up the mans butt.

Results. Dec 13, 2011

I told you brucey would fucking get things done. Out of the picture I am not. I promised my cappies before I left I was going to make it their year. As you may have figured out, my moles dug a hole out to Phillys rink. I infected Prongers water with meningitis and toxoplasmas. ...Brain matter eating parasites. BRUCEYS WILL BE DONE.

But that wasnt enough. We're still on a comeback tour, We need that fucking confidence of three wins in a mother fucking row. I cry at night thinking about about gunner and lennon growing up in a home where win streak isnt what the peppy hendrix is reporting. So i jacked up Simmons kneepads with weights and injected metal into the middle of the pucks. I run around under the rink with a big magnet and control the puck. HEAD. KNEE. WHIPLASH. BRUCEYS WILL BE DONE.

So now Giroux' out. You're welcome. Motherfucker thinks he can have one front tooth. WHATISTHISGUYHUHTHINKSHESOVI?

Do you see? Do you see what I can do? A man not forced to live to the pressures of the media, or GMGM? The good I can accomplish!? They'll remember me. hundreds of years from now, the mark of Brucey will be around. The legacy of the Caps! OH theyll have legends about me, the Great Gabby and everything I did to clear the way.



p.s. MOOSE MASON, THIS IS JUST A WARM UP. YOUR DAY OF RIZ-ECKONING IS COMING. HEED MY WARNING NOW. RESIGN OR I WILL HAVE TO RESIGN YOU.

they drew FIRST BLOOD. DEC 9, 2011

We were in this bar in Toronto and this fucking frostback kid comes up, this kid carrying a skate-shine box. And he says "Shine, please, shine!" I said no. He kept askin', yeah, and Joey said "Yeah." And I went to get a couple of labatt blues, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place. And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just...like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, my friend that's all over me! I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! 
And nobody would help! 


Nobody would help! 


He's saying, sayin' "I wanna go home! I wanna go home!" He keeps calling my name! "I wanna go home, Brucey! I wanna drive my Chevy!" I said "WITH WHAT? I CAN'T FIND YOUR FUCKIN' LEGS! 


I CAN'T FIND YOUR LEGS!" 






The leafs drew first blood.
the only way they're going back to canada is in body-bags.

crossed the border: Dec 7, 2011

Ive made some new friends living underground, there are quite a lot of us, you see. I've paid off some hedgehogs to burrow the way underground to all the stadiums in the NHL. They've had all their men working 24/7 to make it Scotia place tonight, but IM HERZE CAPPYS! IM HERE! BRUCIE LOVES YOU! He'LL never miss another game!  Iv'e contracted the lizard-men to make me some sort of rocket sled system to travel underground. Just cuz bruice is now living under the earths core righting wrongs don't mean he still wont celebrate with 3 cakes a day. I got no intention of dropping lbs, I've got to stay in my shape, round, for my glorious return!

Those sens. Those dirty Alfredsens. Those cunting senaturds. They dont stand a chance, according to my schematics I'm set up right under their locker room. And i've got the molemens doomsday device pointed up at their buttholes! now I just need to figure out how to read mole. These instructions are dense.

<3 bruce toots



MASON MOOSE.
TEAM SONIC WILL REACH ANAHEIM.
EXPECT ME.

20,000 Leagues below Verizon: Dec 5, 2011

FUCK!!! Now that the homestand is over this will be the first time I won't be with my boys in years. I'll do my best to make it to as many away games as I can, but I've been trying to set up my subterranean home. I had to kidnap Eakins to set up my internet, those young kids know how to do that, but I think my fucking mask may have scared him, no one must know the goose is loose! i tried to speak gently, but he still peed his pants poor boy, thats why he hasn't scored in the last few games.

I missed my opportunity to sneak onto the belly of the DJKING party air dirigible to get down to florida, I was fighting the alligators that live in the sewers all around the new casa de Brucey. I guess its a lucky thing for the half cocked popo of Sunshine, FLOW-rida, because Brucey woulda had to ice a wholleee bunch of ex-caps due to his new policy of killing anyone getting in the way of a Caps Cup. ...then the murder...ill pin it on moose! the dna will match! then he'll go to jail, and while hes waiting for the needle he'll get his moose caboose stuffed with inmate juice! WHICH IS TOO GOOD FOR THE BASTARD!

You watch out, next time you see the cappies florida. Im starting with all the betrayers, gordo, fleish, strum...ehh, marco can live, he's no threat, and hes been on 17 teams in the last 4 months, I kinda feel bad. BUT YOU WILL LOOSE PANTHERS. BIGTIME. NO ONE TAKES OUR PERCH ATOP THE SOUTHEAST WITHOUT A FUCKING CURB STOP!

BRUCEY SUPPORTS HUNTER.
NOW BRUCEY WILL BECOME A HUNTER.

MOOSE MASON! IF YOU ARE READING THIS TELL THE TRUTH AND RESIGN! YOU ARE RUINING MY RECORD! BRUCEY B BLEEDS RED! TAINT A DUCK FEATHER IN MY BODY! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO YOUR TWIN!

pps. my beard itches

OH PLEASE POOPS ON NOOPS! 12/1/2011

Dear, treasured booty blog readers, let me assure you…I DID NOT TAKE THE ANAHEIM DUCKS JOB. I was takin my twin brother Moose Mason Boudreau to the Ducks game when I was visitin the fam out in Riverdale, CA and we were tryin to get teemu to autograph our GAP white tees in between periods. One minute I’m screamin out for teemu to fucking look at me and the next I’m watchin my twin brother being dragged up the stairs by the stadium fuzz. I tried to run after them but I had to stop for a DuckDog with the fixins. I spent the next two periods lookin for my brother in every ladies bathroom but I couldn’t find the fella. I assumed he had broken free using his incredible strength and just run home but when I got back to the ranch home he and my grandmother share, he was nowhere to be found. We turned on the tv and saw him holdin up a signed teemu jersey in a Ducks press conference naming him the new head coach. They wanted Bruce the Goose but they got the Moose. And the moose got a gotdamn teemu selanne signed gameworn jersey. That fucking asshole. I’ll teach him/them/everygotdamnbody to steal the bruces identity. From now on, I shall live my life deep under the Verizon center, fighting injustice through the interweb as BruceGoose/BruceToots/Tutes/othernicknames in order to restore my NHL legacy. Every gotdamn boddy knows the caps are my boys and always will be. And tonight I will show that love through my first action as the Verizon centers caped crusader:

I, BIGBOOTYBRUCE, PUT OUT A BOUNTY OF 1,000 DOLLARS IN PALMRESTAURANT BUCKS ON THE CONCUSSED HEAD OF SID THE KID CROSBY AS WELL AS ANYONE ELSE WEARING A PENGUIN ON THEIR CREST.

AN ADDITIONAL 200 PALMBUCKS WILL GO TO ANY REDSHIRT WHO SCORES

AN ADDITIONAL 100 PALMBUCKS WILL GO TO ANY REDSHIRT WHO SHAVED THEIR MOVEMBER MOUSTACHE, A MONTH TO BE OFFICIALLY RENAMED “AREALSHITMONTH” ON EVERY CALENDAR

This is the game where Dale and the boys turn the season around. lord knows the goose is fighting WITH you!!!!!

Stay sweet y’all

Dale Cunter.

Even though I’m a thousand feet below ice level at Verizon, I can make up some hot nicknames. Sure makes for some bad wifi reception though.

I assure you dear readers, I’m not as green with jealous rage as one might think. I’m still gonna pull for our Caps until I’m dead in the grave. And let me tell ya, not even this heartbreaks gonna put Brucie six feet under. This early retirements gonna let me kick back with my bigbootieblogbikini babes, a mai tai and relax in my underground ice castle with prince DJ King. And I promise not to levy a curse of the bruce goose on ya guysss

Tonight on the 3D TV DJ and I are gonna catch the caps and the st louee blewmes battle it out above our heads. DJ says that da blues are cartin Halak out there fellers older than this cave I’m sleepin in. maybe the memory of 2009 will get em to play all 60 mins for once. Fuckin halak. Helping me lose my job. Grumblegrumblegrumble.

Think of me tonight boys, win this one for the memory of bruciebaby.

BRUCEGOOSE

ps hope you found the present I left in your prius, mcphee. Don't worry about getting me back for it, this doodys free.

WHAT WHAT WHAT?

IM FINE. IM FINEE!

STILL LIVIN IN VERIZON STILL SWIZZLIN DJ KING DRINKS STILL BLOWIN SMOKE RINGS ON BACKIES EYEBALLS.

WHAT WHAT



WWHAHT"

WHATTNWI
aw
asas

sasa
ssa



sad

Revenge: Nov 23, 2011

Revenge (n)

1) a dish thats you have to cook hot, but tastes much better after its been left out for days and is lukewarm at best.
2) my new screenplay for michael fassbender
3) when you beat the Jets so bad they run out to home depot after the game, pick up 20 c-clamps to smash in they nuts to ease the pain.

Whinnypeg. How my heart longs to destroy the fuck out of you. Nono, I understand the team, heck, they play hockey, they're just doing their thing. But the city, the piece of shit city. Its no wonder the hockey gods abandoned ye. And look at your team, just give them an honest look. Its not too long until they leave you again, and its back to husking corn. ...and here I thought it was Montreal that gave canada a bad name.

fucking winnipeg.

Jets! Thank you for your timely payment. We no longer have to worry about the rest of Ovis contract after your generous offer to let your fans see you beat the capitals. But that cash is in hand, I'd like to invite you into my phone booth for just one second. Show you how a real team plays.

As for my boys, I think I've finally figured out how to motivate them. i removed all the TP before the yotes game. It appeared to work, I think they thought as a reward I'd give it back to them, but when you're on a roll (HA!) you dont change up your system.

Caps will continue to win, and continue to have crusty butts.

oops

600 games!

SORRY CHIM!

Desert Dogs for Desert: Nov 21, 2011

You really have two options with tonights game. You can leave it, Orlov it.  I'd reccommend the latter, because its chimmys 300th game birthday and its Orlovs 1st game birthday and WHEN WE FUCKING WIN THIS GAME its my 200th win birthday. Basically after we hit rock bottom, we lit the bob fosse fuel and have skyrocketed our game higher than Lenny Bruce Boudreau. (yeah, brucey knows bob fosse's filmography)

The desert dogs come to town today, its always one of my favorite games when they come to town, I make sure to eat my duck lo mein early so I can lap up the sweetness of the dessert dogs, because regular cake is now boring to me, IT HAS TO RESEMBLE MEAT FOR ME TO EAT! I hear thats shone dunns personal motto, or at least thats what Gordo tells me. I think I'll sit semin tonight, as a goof. I told that guy I needed 9 goals form him on the road trip. guess how many he scored? Well, you watched, you saw.

Listen, I think we're gonna see some magic tonight. I wont lie, its an important game tonight, and the reffs from the Oilers game are so close to rotting through, look for some deus ex machina dropping ref bodies.

P.S. fuck you 11:11 on 11-11-11, youre a useless choad.

HEWLDP! Nov 19, 2011

hello swir an mamadams, dis here king dj back for boocey. i ran awy from hershy park, they had to much choklates and it scared me cuz choclate vampire hurts so i foudn a horse and come to cananada! i am from here! but then i see broocey and he is being scary and doing yell loud! he makes me cry and i fall off horse and mike knubls says GET HIM and i run but they smitty and obie throw a net on me and i scream NO OVIE NO OVIE WE FRIENDS! but he cry too and say he helping me. then i wake up where am i!? i see brooceys computda and i say help help! help me oviewan kanobi! i hear they in room next door they making spooky noises and say MIKE GREEN ocer and ocer? i think i jump throw windows! we in cadanaa! But i dont like this cananda. this cananada is not mine. it tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnntttttttttttttttttttttttttooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

mama always say big cherry monstar live here. I CUT HIM WITH MY LIGHT SABER! HEEEYAHHHHHH wwwwwwhhhrrrrr rrrhrhuurrrrrwwwww whhhoossssssshh whoooshshhh wwrrroooooroowwww kah kah kah liah lah lah kah bwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrooooohh whhhheeerrshshhhhhhwhwwwwrrr shuuuuwwwww whuuuuuh keeeeeee kooooo keeee koooo huuuuuuusshhhhhhh whhururrrrrrr NOOO NOO KHA LAH KAH KAH KAH popopopopopopopoooo awwwhhhhrrrrrrrr rwhhhhhrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh whusshh hshhhhhh whhhurrrrr rrr NOO NOO YESSSSSSSSSSSSS JOIN ME aihahwhhwhhhyyyshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whhrurhhhhh SHUT UP JARJARawwwhhrurrr run urnrunruhrhrhhhhghghhghw whwhhhhsssssshhh whherrr errrrrrrrrrrr whhennnnenrrrrrrrrrrrr

IM COMING FOR YOU HARPER: Nov 18, '11

I dont want to talk about it. Okay?

I'v'e never been to Winnipeg, they told me it was a real city, but then I looked at a picture. I laughed so hard that Crudsby suffered another concussion, but the jokes on Brucie, going to a backwoods bumfuck place means no bidet. And I sure as shit cant reach back there anymore, with my diet it only takes an hour to become crustier than Mike Green's usual saturday night meal.

Hey Jets! Your logo SUCKS! ha, who designed it? Lennon Hendricks? (Shes a baby, see, thats the joke) You can change your stripes all you want, but you still look like you've been through a wheat thrasher to me. I guess you have Eric Fehr...'s wife to cheer you on. (Come on back baby, you know brucey misses you. Dagmr means nothing to me!) Because E is out. Get your goals somewhere else.  Kane is really your only chance now I suppose because I know Byfugly has been spending all his time with living the jet lifestyle with CurrenC$y. Here is why that is funny...Thats the canadian dollar for all my Washington readers, it is like this: C$. I am explaining you the joke because as American citizens you shouldn't have to know about how a lesser country marks the cost of things. If you are a canadian reader, why? And finally, if you are my homies from South Africa who checks out this blog, please keep laughing using 'rsrsrsrs'.

What? oh. right. didnt I say I didnt want to talk about it? Lets just get this one.

I realize we like to make jokes here at BrugBlug, but I feel 'tis important to use my position of influence to take up two serious points. Guys, first of all I think we should have an intervention for Greeny, that dude gets into more STDs than I knew existed. He's living the Ovi lifestyle without the russian blood. (As all women born in russia have to do 5 years of prostitute service while the men have military service they get chock a block full of mites and bites and bumps the men have over time developed immunities to hundreds of known and unknown STDs.) A knee to knee bump? No, its his stump, its covered in red welts so large we have to hide them by dressing them as Slapshots. Have it prepped to roll as soon as we get back, Ill tell the rest of the boys on the flight home when we're fucked up as fuck celebrating with that canadian pot, eh? eh? EH!

...Eh? Customs? Roayl Canadian Air Force? Frr'eal girl?

I guess I should mention serious thing #2 then;
ARM THE DJ KING PARTY DIRIGIBLE! SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET INTERNATIONAL! DOGFIGHT STYLE!

SCUMBAG BRUCE

The BRUCES BLOG Of LOL 10uhc: Nov 15, 2011

I would like to start off by saying we dont travel to nashville enough. The meth here is FANTASTIC! I mean, its not like when we play Phoenix, if the yotes offered me a permanent position I would leave these cappyboys in less than a heart beat. (to be fair, my enlarged heart takes 12 minutes to compete one beat, clogged arteries and the like) But the blue shit they got makes me wanna blow guys in cars in my off time so I can get more.

Nashville, shane webster, picky rinegold, joel wa--Nope, that mother fucker is ours now. And hes been paying off in spades (not the racist way)  But seriosuly, he bought this old parking lot and every day after practice he has me come out and watch him shoot pucks up his pekke wenne fat heads butt, he says he wants me there for coaching tips, but I think hes afraid of it out there, its pretty spooky. Ive been dressing up as a lady in case any cars come buy looking for fun so I can get some extra spending cash for What? hahahahshhdahs dasd I've got hammerlick doing research for me (thats the breaks when you're injured) Nashville calls itself Nash Vegas. HAHAHAHAHHA oh man, forget it, I dont need to make fun of this city. Remember that time [ed. note: name removed] brought like 20 roses to school, and gave them out one at a time, asking each girl if she would go to the prom with him, and at the end he had no flowers left, and no date either? Dude, Nashville is one sweet place.

Now lets turn that mirror on ourselves and call a spade a spade (not racist version). We've been playing like shit. Had we played a team that could finish (devils, lol) we would have lost both games.   Maybe it was devils trap hockey throwing us off our game. 17-15 shots when both teams had 5 power plays? Maybe the bag skate was a bad idea? Im not sure, but something is fuckkkkkeeedddd. Guess we'll see today. Im expecting a big game from joel (CAN WE GET A BETTER NICKNAME THAN JOLEY, THAT SHIT IS SHIT.  RENIG...errr, ummm, uhh, spade...? (not the racist version.) it.)

race humour is edgy huh?
XOXO gossip Brucey

Bruce the loose goose: Nov 12, 2011

Ed. note: i apologize for not uploading this on the correct date. I blame himmler.

Well seems like the Great Wish Granter of the 11’s has granted my wish from yesterdays big phat booty blog. ME AND THE BOYS SHALL LOSE NO MORE IN THIS ACURSED LEAGUE. At least not to the Devils, who have finally been paying for their sins (trap hockey) for the last two years.

We rocked our best Sunday whites in the Devils den last night and came away with a victory. Really though, Koonjobbie stopped 32 of 33 and stole it for the boys from chocolate city. Jobbies been callin himself “crazylegs” in the lockerroom lately trying to fashion himself a nom de hockey so I would like to take this chance to say to him and to my readers that that is MY fucking job. I come up with the nicknames Kooney. So don’t be fuckin surprised if the Prague Prodigy, the Czech Churro, Michael Neuvirth is tweenst the pipes tonight. Your bitty Dagmars just about the only reason you're still alive. mmmmmmmmmdagmar. 

Anyway, it doesnt matter who i threw between the fuckin pipes. We have owned MAAARRRRTTYYYYYY in his last five starts against us. And they’re not gonna score too much, sittin in the basement in team offense. EVEN IF THEY DO. NAY. NAY. EVEN IF THEY SCORE FIRST, my boys have come back to win seven times out of nine after givin up the first red-light special.

Well fuck, im outta things to say. If you want more jokes, scroll down a bit ya doof, theres another devils post right there. We beat these dicks yesterday remember? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt

STAY SWEET

BREWSE BUDROUGH

The make a wish blog 11/11/11 11:11

Welcome all readers, except for you Fleish! take the southeast division lead? Ppgghhhgffggh. YOU ARE NO LONGER THE LATE GREAT! Your new nickname...the blood from the cut from pulling off the jock that was pre-cum glued to the tip of Khabibulin's dick after a shutout. Eakins came up with that one, good kid, he's fitting in just fine around here.

I'd like to take a moment before I get to the devils (herein after referred to as now only the second most awful coached team of forever. Side note, similar topic, fuck you, you scar faced fuck.) to talk about this magical date. My kids tell me that the guy who made saw predicted the earth was going to crash into another planet and kill us all today, but when I brought  it up to the triplets during our weekly hot tub party they said that was fooey but any wish you made will come true.  I immediately wished for them to be able to hold their breath longer (even with the three of them in tandem theyre out of breath before the job is done, I think they might have Bruce induced asthma) but they said it wasn't until today.

WELL I JUST WANT TO MAKE A PUBLIC WARNING, last year as a bonus for winning the winter classic GMGM gave me a monkey paw. Now I didn't know that thing was bad hoodoo! But it was. All the wishes back fired. I wished for thick lustrous hair. My pub mound took 6 Chinese working round the c!ock every day for the next month to trim it down. Then I wished to loose weight. Guess where I lost it...at least it made the pub trimmings easier. My point is today you'll all be making super fag wishes because you're fucking dumb as hell, I get it, it happens, but be careful, and be specific!

Right then, back to back games with the Juiceheads after skating the piss out of my squad. I expect to take both, and the best way to start that is with a win in the Garbage State. You see that idiot McLean is giving Kovy like 30 minutes of ice time every game, sweet jesus, no wonder he's already getting injuries, Russians work hard it's true, but they also die at age 29 on average, that's why I've been chilling on Ovi, it for serious wouldn't surprise me to if Kovy just fell over on the ice mid-game dead. It wouldn't matter, I'm expecting a good game from our blue liners, I let everyone stab Shlutz with a dull knife a couple times, it was good for morale. OH Shit-fit!!

Look at the time!!! Might as well go big now. Please ultimate wish granter that loves 11s, let the Washington Capitals of the National Hockey League (in the United States of America) win every game in the remainder of the season and post-season of the 2011-2012 hockey season.

HAHAHAH, WHAT NOW YOU FUCKS!!!!!!!!
Love, Bruce

That Monkey sure can skate: Nov 8 2011

Its not that Texans are bigger than normal humans, there is some sort of force field around the border (THEY WISH AMITRITE?!) that causes expansion when you enter the Country's 4th worst state (after Mississippi, Alabama, Michigan) A normal 5'5" 410lb Brucie B enteres texas and balloons up to 6'7" and 636 lbs. On the flip side, when those stupid fucks leave the state they shrink. Matty P is gonna get some fight experience in...and hes gonna win. Outside Tejas Benn is only about 4 feet tall. Lifes a real shame for the poor bastards born inside.

BUTT BUTT BURURUCUEYYYYY you say THEY WON 10 GAMES!

Well shut the fuck up. How many goddam fucking times have I fucking told you i hate being called bururucueyyyyy. IF IT WAS ONCE IT WAS A HUNDO TIMES. Why do you think I sent DJ back to Hershey? (aside from the fact he date raped Mike Green?) God, that guy wouldnt shut up.

So Dallas, you 'seem' to be on a hot start, but much like the other crappy teams that start out hot, we'll take a hammer to them and flatten them to some sort of horse trail flapjacks. mmm, remind Dagmar I want breakfast for dinner. (She fixes my meals every time Koonjab plays a stinker of a game *cough*ISLES*cough*)

I hope Mike's gotten back from his butthole destretching surgery and is ready to go. (maybe hershey is too good for dj) Most of Dallas' game stems from the fact their goalie is on a role, but I have faith our boys gonna pop a hole in Leighton Meesters like [note to editor, look up who this and make some joke] (ed. note: some lady who parlayed an "acting" role on veronica mars to a a job as a CW whore and a singing career for sunsilk...OH! She was in Hangman's curse! Frank Peretti is awesome! I will not make a joke about this goddess!) [note to editor, yeahhhhh, i just saw a footjob video of her. Also stop trying to recommend me christian fiction, you know the only book I read is the novelization of Most Valuable Primate, bother me with this again and I will buy a horse to rape you with.] (ed. note: what kind of horse?)

Should be a good game.
See you at Verizon. Brute Tuets

Ed. note: video confirmed. How could an actor in a Frank Peretti adaptation sink so low? I hope our boys rip open Kari Leighton Meester like some sort of toe hymen.
(WHAT KIND OF HORSE?!)

PSA FROM BRUCE B’s BOOTYBOOTYBOOTYBLOG: Nov 5, 2011 (56k warning)

Sometimes, important people in my life accuse me of being a “fatfuck”. Remember boys n’ girls, when you say the words “fatfuck” just know that there are “fattestfucks” out there who deserve your ridicule and crippling anger much much much more. Maybe just being a “fatfuck” aint so bad right gals and guys?

Now that we know the difference between “fat” and “fattest” fucks, might as well get started talking about Islanders skip, Jack Capuano. That boys gotta be THICKER than his mammas minestrone!!! FATTER than his mammas cannoli!!! LARGER than his daddys paycheck!!! Cappys led his boys to a 3-5-2 record and a six game losing streak. And I get called a fatfuck?

Greener and I spent three hours on the phone last night. Greenie says he’s gonna down as many Strong Island Iced Teas as he can during the game until he passes out in his Scarlet Caps novelty hot tub. The water rocks the red and it smells like sweat and lady parts. I bet Greenys gonna score more times in that hot tub than these Isle boys will on the cold ice. They haven’t scored more than one goal during their losing streak!! HEY CAPPY! STOP EATIN EGGPLANT PARM HOOGIES AND SHUFFLE YOUR LINES!

Thanks for listening.

BRUCE da GOOSE

PSSSSSSS nothing cappy does will matter. We aint been whipped by these isle boys in regulation since 2007. So we gotta make like Snake tonite. Blow that miserable island to bits and then heelie all the way back home. Gotta get svelte so they’ll get me in the TV business again.

Bruice the Spork King: Nov 4, 2011

Carolina, gross. It's not that Im upset about the team, although I do get this rash on my eyeballs when I have to look at any of the Staals. Its just so sticky there, brucie dont like that humidity. Plus Paul Morice may be the fugliest looking hockey coach. I just saw that word on The MTV, they said it means fucking ugly, LOL. Anyway, have you seen his glasses? What is he a turtle? HAHAHAH! SO a divisional game, a real way to get ahead of the SE mother-finger-blasters, but have you looked at our division recently? We could literally turtle the rest of the season and still make it out on top. THE PANTHERS ARE OUR BIGGEST COMPETITION!? Haaaooolllyyy moly! Maybe Ill take up learning bocci ball, on ice. Or take to cooking lessons, I've always wanted to learn to make turtle shell soup!

YOU GUYS GET IT YET? I WAS A TURTLE FOR AHALOWWEWN!!

And all my candy is all gone. ;(

I eat it got a big tummy ache ;(

I hope we win tonight ;)

or ill have no candy to get through the sadness ;(

B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.: Nov 1, 2011

HELLO BIG BOOTY BLOG READERS

We’re back from the best coast road trip. The plane smells like taco bell and broken dreams. We ran into the Bulin Wall and the Young Guns in Refmonton (GET IT BETTMAN??? TEACH EM HOW TO SWALLOW WHISTLES. ha.) and we took it in every hole from the demon twins in Vancougar. I KNOW I KNOW. I know what youre thinking. “BROOCIE YOU RACKED UP THE BEST WINNIN PERCENTAGE IN FRANCHISE HISTORY WHAT ARE YOU BITCHING ABOUT??” We lost to a bunch of Canadians. Its fucking embarrassing. Theres one thing that can turn this shit luck around.

America and...MOVEMBER. A celebration of hair, facial and everywhere. facial. ha.

While its been MOJO-EMBER for a while now, the rest of us finally get to start growing some stache. The Ducks wont know what hit them. Hammer’s been teachin the young boys all the dangers of facial hair. That man is always in a constant battle against his facial hair. Semin snuck into George Parros’s crib like a KGB and snatched his stache. There are lil pieces of Parros still on that thing. Semin says he’s gonna wear it for All Saints Day. I don't know much about this Christian thing but that seems pretty badass. And if believing in it helps us get some peace from these fucking refs then i’ll wear a rotting moustache too.

Ducks are comin off of two losses just like our squad and we’ve got the Panthers clawing at our buttholes so theres gonna be a real scrap tonight on home ice. Last time they came down to Chinatown, Getslapped knocked us out in overtime. Not gonna happen tonight. Koonies gonna get his DuckHunt on and shoot some pucks outta the air. Big Jon Earskine is back so byebye Tom Phillip Collins and hello to a steady (butmikegreenless) blueline. We can use the roster space too, cuz Georgie just gave me a new toy to play with. WELCOME CODY “50 CENT” EAKIN. Boy brought me a lifesized bigbooty woman made of chocolate. mmmdarkchocolatewoman.

PEACEOUT.

BRUCEY

ps DJ stop calling. You wanted to leave. I know it sucks no one wanted ya but its gonna all work out in the end pal. Theres Russia? Or Belarus? Or Czech Pubic??

I don't know. Sorry buddy.

Booce Booce - A Big Blog Bout Bondage...and Hockey: Oct 29 2011

Guys, GUYS! Listen!
I really want to hand it to those fellas the other night. I dont mind admitting when the other fellas just out fucking worked us, and those refs just flat out worked harder blowing more motherfucking calls than I have seen any other refs do in the history of the game. Evisceration would be too good a reward for a game that well...worked, I recommended to Bettmen we hang them from the rafters of Verizon for the rest of the year. He agreed but said after their necks rotted out and their bodies fell to the ice we had to send the heads back to their widows, boooo hoooo, I wanted to put them on pikes. He did have the awesome idea of putting fireworks in their bellies so when they fall their bodies go kaboom. GMGM said it was in the budget. Look forward to that at our upcoming home games.

Justified murder aside we've another stop in whats fastly becoming my new favorite country. Seriously, the pills Brucie has been popping. I just walk into any drug store, and step right behind the counter and pick out a handfull or two of bottles and walk out! FREE! God bless those socialist bastards. Smitty kept yipping at me, hes all 'thats illegal, eh' and 'theyre just too polite to do anything'. Like I give a fuck, i wrapped a couple percocet in his gum and he hasnt been too annoying anymore. hmmm, that gives me some coaching ideas for tonight.

In Vancouver. Time to play the satin twins. Its not like im scared of them, but I have been watching all the boys sleep at night to make sure those demon twin shits dont apperate in their rooms and suck their blood. I havnt slept since we began the trip 4 days ago but Its worth it. If they drain Ovies skill. Can you imagine or poor Matty P, HE WOULDNT SURVIVE! If we can make it on the ice I think we have a swell chance to come back. They're not a bad team, im looking forward to a good game tonight. Also, Im hoping someone slits Ryan Kesslers achilles tendon, we dont need him 'til the next olympics anyway. It always dangerous to play a good team after loosing two in a row, but guess what? WERE THE MOTHRA FUCKING CAPITALS. Quod erat demonstrandum.

(Photo courtesy Hound Pound)

Bruces Canadian Blag, eh? Oct 27 '011

Who needs three fucking names. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins. It doesn't make it an easy job to come up with a good hockey nickname. Good thing its me, the big rig, bruce goose, loose bruce, bruce the loose goose, the king of nicknames. My boys got nicknames and I make em all up like a boss (Hendy-Hop, MOJO, Brooksie). Heres a few (and feel free to steal these Tom "Henney and Ice" Renney): Ted Nugent-Cockkiss, Flyin Nuggetsof-Hotshit. You get it. I knocked it outta the park. 

Thats what Brucie's all about. knocking it outta the park. and on thursday night in canada or whatever the fuck you can get ready for my boy, Ovie aka Captain Russia to knock Ryan SmYth, aka Captain Canada aka The Y is for Yogurt, right outta the park.

Anyways, to finish things off I figured I would include a quote from my new favorite movie. 

"There Will Be Blood" - Daniel "One Bad Dad" Plainview from "There Will Be Blood". 

He was talkin about oil I think. I am tired of Smitty talkin about art house flicks movies around the office "Mello Yello" machine and not having any idea what the fuck he's talking about. I hate looking like the fuckin DJ King idiot of the year. He's the coolest fucking trainer in the NHL. 

God I hope I get to sit next to him. He never picks me.   

THINGS TO PACK FOR BIG TIME WEST COAST SWING

--skeleton key to bust Joel Ward outta canadian jails

--Ovies "Cpt. Russia" halloween costume surprise!!!! Handstitched by Dagmar Vokoun herself. The yarns made outta yak blood!

--Grande Spicy Bites with extra japs from 711

Master Brucey runs Cheltown Blog Oct 22, 2011: BEYOND THUNDERDOME

HEY BABCOCK! You know how I know you're gay? Because you were hoping for a highlander 'there can only be one' blog post today. You know how I know all the redwings are big gay? You tried to give the sound guy Prince of the universe as your intro song. Well I got news for you bro, the only price brucie knows anything about is Albert, and you better get some chapstick because after what we do to you this evening you're gonna make avery look like Macho Man Randy Savage. Sure I 'respect' Detroits players, Datspuke and Zoidberg and The Ass, and who doesnt have respek for a dude whos playing his 1500th NHL game at Verizon, thank god right? Any other venue and no one would give a shit. 



But heres to Lidstrom. (here-->) [------------]

cool. Now that Ive been nice to you heres where I bring out my real fucking boys. We've got a new man you're not ready for, its his first game, youve got no game tape, nothing to prep you. Welcome to the Thunderdome, you ill-prepped cunt. 

Today we're releasing the new Frankensteined up Brooksy Laich. Since his double nose break surgery hes had an unquenchable anger, I keep telling him Philly musta paid off the Zebras but he blames anyone not in a Caps uniform. Hes a mad man, and not just a chain smoking drunk, hes been foaming at the mouth and we've had to chain, yes chain (he chewed through the first 3 ropes) him to my desk since yesterday, its only a 10 foot chain, but hes left me 16 presents in the form of live cardinals with their wings ripped off and chewed up since just 10am this morning. Im sure it means something, so I'm putting him out against your big boys tonight. 

Its a big market game, for big market people, and none is bigger than MASTER BRUCIE! The last two undefeated teams in all the league, unfortunately for you, Ive been training all my goddam life for this. My squads know what it takes, and this is when we do it, the perfect season! AND WE START TONIGHT! MASTER BRUCER RUN CHELTOWN! SAY IT! SAY IT! WHO RUN? LOUDER!!!!!!

Lift embargo. 

This is the truth of it. Fighting leads to goals, and goals gets caps the cup. The lightning was damn near the death of us all. Look at us at the end of last year. Busted up, and everyone talking about hard rain! But we've learned, by the dust of them all... Verizon learned. Now, when men get to fighting, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two men enter; one man leaves.  

BROOKSY, I CALL UPON YOU! DESTROY WINGS! DESTORY!!!!!

BY DJ KING, age 27 and 3/12s ALMOST HALOWEEN!!

hey, dis king dj not papa broocey i dunt no y peepole always callin me dj king they always gettin it backworded and i come in here wif piza slises cuz broocey sayed i cant have any so i took som anyway and i spiled some on the keyboreds tho im a prolly tell broocey it was pete bondra agin tho if he nos its me i wont getta start wif mah boy alecksander hovedgecan and do fives wif him like semen gets 2 and broocey will polly mak me fite clawed drew and i hate fiteing but he always finds out about my piza spiles and i dun no how he nos cuz i always tel him about pete bondra and u ever just hit the keyboreds alotta times cuz i do cuz it sounds fun when u do and i also like lookin at horsays cuz they are fun 2 and they r majestic and i lov them 2 and its hard 2 typ round my piza mess so i think ima just keep hittin the keyboreds for the sounds now;asl;kdfj;alsda;we8woifahw;nZn/fliauw;el4rlaksjnflas;dfihasropewiqjwlkq4u329080a-sdja;l3jkh21p09a8hsnlr4jh2390vanseklrjahw39048qhw;leiafj09832nl;asldfj{Sefa'w;ropj]r
woejfa['sdfpjas;lkrjjhpf2opijaweporqiwejrqlkwnefuzgdfqoiweuht5'3p2m,4qk qo[3ihng1[ 3im1t1opi3th1[o'ti;o43ituj0-238yhoihnqatgbwoq3u4thowehtoweshngoi gj0t tjq[tq3tt pogdgekljrgn egpok jaisdfh[ 029rj 132t90 h13]049j opgihwro0ity48-jqalkdfl;askehrop12i34nk;faj[iowetq;r4ilqjwp3rfh8aw89ti alkwefjwo[aijfoasjdljkhfawoepfq2laiw[rfpow2iproq2jopiajefopjaowierjh[1pioe4jq2oprijaoptjh90342uj3p4ijsgkdfjg8dfhbofbnkvjbhhjsrlxgteyikoe4698jh34-09kg,pofmbuiooh-0345j[pi-u9sd7ry5k3[np0z0xdfjg90832hn4[o2ij-=309j0wej09bj4w;m g08yh9-8sdr50=23=0 i9ogj848y8gehtgikj;fskf8jhkjm;lqwk4mn5kl35h7890sdfl;qk3j450-78zdgljkn32opiu9-sd8ytqt3425n2o[34i50u-98as7rtpklj345p[ou-07a09w845lk;2j35-08ausl;k5n2345890as6ye5k2n3oi9zsd8twklj4534890usdrt;'3klj25908uysdl;k5mj32p[iojsoitweuo[t53jp2oljm53-09sdrgwl;kj35vgy8pa9s8u3202-=we56j'2;kn2;lo54h6ip2gp2oi3jp[gokwportym4;ly3mk4=h09wj4y345\y345o60iihwm3ji30hsdklrtj34ti90-srjg;wemtlejkqwj-4092j35p;jkl[wiopw-0t9u2pj5;'w354twjieg=0 t4n3 -0e 8gu03i4t5n23g78asdgf7qg3urog23g4utf5tfweye2dcg4f2c542 5f5iy2c54y2tc54gc23hgcryfgeqr67q23564l;oiujpseroitywu09856jh2ikj620-qa8hwrpqui3j4r2389uhtjwpmkhpoajs98eyhro34kj523048yhsadiorkntm3 4t 9t7g87asagh;l4kjw234lk;52h324ilu2bj3 [o5igjs-se089ji4l;kj534908us-=er0gske4;l5jseiorfgur-wtjpkaslek;rj234olnp09a8suy9f8234nml2ri3ju4opiauys9g8sdhf giwrjhg98hsad;dflksfjkdf;glk39ui5-0w9ejxidkruzusm8usem0tlxo0j98 v8g6ntb5dc6pu58eosx57r8se0yrewskl7d86709p8bth2;klm3gpo9duytw3ijlakjsdf-908aw45kw50u[jag08gyha0epgjsdfjg9rwyhgdfpgojksdfg9s8yhgpowie;w6j34-t8er09poui;fg;23j908ehuiorejow6kl5jh6k6g75609s9eprowjier09re094j5p3ok549088huo;ijtw4890iokmh34oisrjpterk't;sjth90w4j['yopjiyopwitier[topwepyijdmnsgk;lweopitdjrpork3w0w34jitkrpotj3w-wt049iopertpwut08rpoiwtpuertoiwenl5jkh632387aw65890-0eojrtrewtjwer890tr67th9drjgek4-5t98g-0seirjtwejrtopi

Bruce's Blog: Oct 18, 2011

Today is the story of the Washington Panthers vs the Florida Capitals, or as I like to call them the Tallahassee's. well, kind of...I mean, since last season theres been some change, we got arguably 2 of their best players, Robot Leg and Koonjob, and in turn they nicked the late great, matt 'semin-snitches-get-stiches' bradley, and jose theo. Arguably our ugliest players. It should be a more exciting game then the past would have you believe, Florida is looking hotter than preggers Beyonce these days, and we're playing dumpier than the guy on the back of the truck (OH SLAM! BITCH, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!) They've made Tampa Bay look foolish twice already and they're second in the devision. It's [pretty exciting for them as they haven't been second in anything since the worst sweaters poll. (Brucies on a roll, look the fuck out.)

They have a new coach who thinks he's a hot shot because he can outsmart scarface, however I intend to blind the little bitch with a little bit of my coaching magic. Divisional games are the best for blinding people, most bang for your buck, especially considering the price of sulfuric acid these days.




I call sulfuric acid coaching magic.

Anyway, Florida should be a fun test. Like a pap smear. I once bought a pap smear from madonna this one time I was in Austin from this girl I thought was a dude. I know theres always talk about ditching Brucie, but if we win tonight it will be the first time the Caps have ever gone 5-0. And if that doesn't mean the cup is ours I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL!

Bruce toots!

P.S. I've got a pretty good surprise for everyone coming to games from here on out that will debut today. I've replaced the organ with a calliope. Its gonna be a mother fucking 3 zone circus in Verizon. Ton't tell GM GM, I promised him I wouldn't but once he hears it I KNOW hes gonna eat it up.

Senate Independent Leader Bruce Blog: 10/15/11

Sometimes you have to bitch slap Mitch McConnell around, sometimes you have to bitch slap some poor fucks from Canada. Speaking of foreign born mother fuckers on our precious American soil, all hail our boy Hamrlik, breaks the record with tonights game for Czech born homies. Good for him, although not as good as my personal hero DJ KING! DJ KING! DJ KING! he's in tonight, he had a great preseason, didnt fall down once! Although dont expect any fights form him, unless Alfredson feels fatherly, his little boys, SENATORS? AHAHAHHA, wont be too scrappy. Honest time now, The boys from backwards rain drenched den of politeness shouldn't be too much trouble, if they are, we're in much trouble.

Continuing honest time, I really, really, reaallyy hope they have Monkey bread tonight at Verizon.

I dont really have thoughts other than monkey bread. Once that gets in bruces head. it just dont leave.

BRUCE [semicolon] LIVE FROM GUAM: 10/13/11

I went on vacation to Guam yesterday with the MS. DAGMAR. I know it's a tweener day but vacays to guam are in the Bruces contract. Georgies a sucker for my Bettmann impression. Gives Brucey what Brucey needs cuz Brucey NEEDS Pacific islander sminky pinky if you know what I mean dear readers. I digress. The point is that I let my assistant Scott write the first draft of this article. When I read it on the plane ride home from Guam, I ralphed my bloody mary’s onto Kevin Spaceys face (was watching American Beauty for that scene where mieenana suvari shows her ding dongs). A little bit got onto the MS. DAGMAR, but she didn't seem to give a shit. I didn't want to force you all to throw up during your favorite mr skin moments, so I fired Scott. You guys would hate Scott too. Hes so in your face. I don't know, you have to meet him. He says he’s gonna get evicted now that he has no job so hes having a going away party or some shit on the 30^th. You guys should go. See what I mean. Fucking asshole…shit. Now I lost my train o’ thought. Fuck you Scott…fuck you hadeed for not puttin me in your commercials no more…fuck you….PITTSBURGH! OF COURSE! Well I’ll be jiggered. I’m in the wrong city! See you in two hours boys! Guess I will be taking Georgies private train. Its got enough heine light to get me buzzed for the game. Ah. Marvelous.

Things To Pack:

Matt Cooke and Aaron Asham: Penguin Pussies Brazzers DVD (gift for Schmitty)

Eric Fehr Memorial Bobblehead

Ice from Heinz Field

Dagmar tooth

Minsa Sumari’s boobies (gift for Schmitty. He gets so bored during games. Jerks it three, four times a period. Guy’s a boss)

FIREBOMB TO DESTROY THE CITY OF PITTSBURGHHHHHH

LETS GO BOYS

Sharpening my knife. A Bruce Blog Blog Blog: 10/10/11

Friends! Lend me your eye! Forsooth 'tis true, the sons of fishmongers got out their brooms last year, no denying we fell flat on our faces after beating them in most of the regular season meetings. But was there more to the story? Were we perhaps helping the chuds train for the rest of their lives? Giving them one last fucking hurrah before society took a peek under their visors, saw the downs all over their faces and forced stamkos to sweep the aisles of a grocery store for the rest of his days. (Although if he strapped on skates he would still be able to sweep the isles) Perhaps on sundays allowing him to visit the government run home (don't worry, he'll be leashed) and visit his friend who thinks he's a saint. He'll preach the values of trying not to shit ones self (Brucey worked in one of those homes, he knows what happens) and trap systems and Stammy will get bored and walk around and rub his junk on stuff. (was gonna make a gay joke here, butt fuck it.)

Sorry, Brucey got carried away. Point is we're gonna be alright, everyone is fired up for tonight. Vokoun gets his first start in a red sweater, we'll see if he's worth his salt (the only way of which to measure is if he fights then concusses rolo tony brown eye) Mojo is back in, he'll have to play hard to keep his seat, and I'm so proud of my third line boys. Like I said, we have some things to work out, but if we dont win tonight its suicides all next week at practice. (if that doesn't motivate my boys I dont know what will...other than a pizza steak sub from jerrys)

More analysis upon the next time we play these fucks. For now, courage. FUCKING COURAGE.

TLIGNIG 4 HOCKEY GAME. THEY LEAVE HAS NO BUTTS THEY LEAVE !! GOLLLLL DJ!!
(bruce note: i left my computer open and dj was sitting here for 4 hours, I guess he wanted to add some thoughts)


MORE BRUCE TOOTS
was gonna make a wiccan joke here, but witch one.
was gonna make an alzheimer joke here, but forgot it.
was gonna make a doctor joke here, but that'd be sick.
was gonna make a sheep joke here, but ewe wouldnt get it.
was gonna make a pig joke here, but to be honest, its a boar.
was gonna make a Jets suck joke here, but that wouldn't be Fehr.
was gonna make a coins joke here, but it wouldn't make any sense.
was gonna make a netflix joke here, but couldn't get one qwiq enough.
was gonna make a yellow journalism joke here, but i'd just muck it up.
was gonna make a paying Vokoun joke here, but he wouldn't accept a check.
was gonna make a Anaheim joke here, but that would be fowl. (and we're not playing the ducks)
was gonna make an asian joke here, but Goddam, I love working in chinatown. No really, I eat it chinese food 34 times a day.


fuck off, im not here to entertain you