Fuckface McMoleman was in the middle of regaling the crowd on the Conan O’Mole show with the tale of his life, plugging his new autobiography, ‘How I helped Gabby, and was able to learn human language and teach it to every mole everywhere and start an underground mole society, i am your fucking king, please let me impregnate you, my seed must live forever’ when his face became flush.
“Shit!” turning to Conan O’Mole “Did I text brucey? Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck” Fuckface pulled out his sidekick and furiously texted as fast as his tiny claws would let him.
BVvvrrrrpppp. vrrrrrpppp. The vibration shattered the silence. Bvvvvrrrppprpr bbbvvvrrrppp. Bruce Boodyrowgh stood, slightly hunched (as usual), his knees bent, ready for action. Behind him the large bay window was shattered, as it was calatoral damage in making an impressive entrance. His brow low, eyes darting back and forth, he was now close enough to see Crystal was actually just a whole bunch of chicken nuggets glued together with a wig.
Bruce wished Robo Wides hadn’t been such a pussy and flown away when he crashed through the window ‘we’re gonna be in trouble with neighborhood watch!’ he screamed as he flew away. Clearly our hero was in a trap. Broose knew Moose. He waited. Moose would make his position clear.
 |
| lol,fkk! |
Poor Bruce was trying to figure out how the moles had already corrupted his glorious language when he felt the all too familiar distinct piercing of a hypodermic needle through his back straight into his heart.
“Goodnight sweet Prince”
“hhnngnggg” 180 SPIN SMACK!
Moose was on the floor 10 feet away. Bruce fell to his knees. Moose stood up and walked over to his nuggedy bride. “You never did have a binocular, that’s how I knew youd fall for it” Licking the proxy crystal, the sick fuck bared his teeth and ripped off the breading from a nugget.
“YOU BASTARD! LEAVE HER ALONE!” Moose just laughed, Brucey tried to walk forward on his knees but the thick shag carpeting was too much. he fell on his face. “What have you injected me with, you fucking fat fuck?”
“Injected? Hahahahhoho! Its what i took that matters. Moose held up the syringe. Bruce essence, straight from the heart. HAAHAAAAAAAA” The crazy asshole stabbed it straight into his heart and pushed the plunger. “You stupid bastard. Now Im more you than you! As for your other question, I killed Crystal Months ago, a necessary sacrafice to keep slan man healthy for a cup run. Im going to do what you never could. Im going to win, then destroy the Stanley Cup.” Moose walked over, slowly, like 120 fps slow. Realizing his demise coming Bruce rolled around. As fast as he could. This made moose laugh, but still in slow motion! It’s disturbing, alright! Moose walked, Bruce rolled, faster and faster, he could feel the shag on every part of his body.
Moose was 3 steps away.
2....
1...
“SLAPSHOT GIVE ME STRENGTH!” Bruce reached out his hand at Moose!
ZZZZZTTtt.
“ow. fuck. c’mon. fuck.” Moose didnt move, Bruce fell over tired. “Did you really think shocking me would do, like, anything?”
Brucey make sad face.
Moose reached into his pocket and grabbed a nickel plated pussy pistol and held it up to Bruceys head. He then reached in Brugs pocket and grabbed his phone, “oh my, what do we have here? A doomsday device? how adorable!”
“Not any doomsday device-
KKEERRPHHGHHHhhadhgdshgksdgagaghashfghh. The side of the hose exploded open. Dust and derbirs and chunks of brick fly everywhere knocking both Bruce and Moose against the far wall.
A large string theory machine was in the living room with the twins. BOOM. The door flies open.
 |
| "Neighborhood watch, Bitch!" |
“LETS BRAKE HIS SKULL INTO MORE PIECES THAN UNIVERSES WE’VE BEEN TOO” shouted DJ.
“that sounds good” says #2
The twins both rise to their feet slowly, one holding a phone, the other holding a gun.
“DROP THE PHONE NOW!” He presses the pistol against the bald head.
“I just have to press send, and I’m free!, and It’s over! You go boom”
“You’ll go boom too.”
“It’s worth it”
“Ghhhh, I dont know which one to hit” said DJ sticking his tongue out, it helped him think to lick the genital warts on his upper lip.
“He’s Moose! Don’t you recognize me!” Said the gun!
“No! Beat him up DJ! Its me, papa brucey!” said the phone!
They continued to go back and forth as Dj began crying.
“No DJ” said the fighter, we prepared for this. He walked back into the Mark 2. He walked out holding the hand of the biggest sniffer in town.
“Knubes! Oh Knubes! Tell them Im Brucey!” Said the fat one
“No, Knubes, I know you know me! Please!” Said the one that was the exact same size as the fat one.
“Which one smells like burning?” said fighter Carlson Kubes drew in a huge breath. (through his nose) “Come on boy!”
“I...I...I...cant tell! OH GOD I CANT TELL!” screamed Double Trouble Knuble, knowing his career would be drawing to a close if he couldn't sniff out a heart thats on fire, how could he sniff out goals?!
Bruceys eyes got big, Moose had taken his heart essence! He wouldn't smell like burning! “Fuck” he said.
Knubes got closer. He sniffed Bruce close, Then moose. “This one! This one smells like Brucey!”
“Mother fuck.” Said Bruce out loud, because they seemed like good last words.
“kill him DJ” said Moose. The King slowly lumbered toward Moose, eyes deader than a chicken.
KERBSIOFJIOSHIUGSGH!!
“YEEEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Through the plate glass crashed a robot legged motherfucker.
 |
| Totally ka-blamo |
Sending...
He turned toward his favorite men in the whole world. “LINE CHANGE FUCKERS!”
Sending...
Bruce Boudreau turned toward Moose Mason. “Game misconduct youzgoddamslimeyfuckingshitheadpooeyedmitocondrialleachingfiveheadpedochickennuggetphilificpisschuggingasssuckingcumguzzlingdiarreahbathingmophairedbeerbelliedtennitussufferingmonkeyassedpusslubeusingboogereatingcockeyedthundercu-
Sent.
Next time: “The Book of Gabby” outsells “How I helped Gabby, and was able to learn human language and teach it to every mole everywhere and start an underground mole society, i am your fucking king, please let me impregnate you, my seed must live forever”
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