Sharpening my knife. A Bruce Blog Blog Blog: 10/10/11

Friends! Lend me your eye! Forsooth 'tis true, the sons of fishmongers got out their brooms last year, no denying we fell flat on our faces after beating them in most of the regular season meetings. But was there more to the story? Were we perhaps helping the chuds train for the rest of their lives? Giving them one last fucking hurrah before society took a peek under their visors, saw the downs all over their faces and forced stamkos to sweep the aisles of a grocery store for the rest of his days. (Although if he strapped on skates he would still be able to sweep the isles) Perhaps on sundays allowing him to visit the government run home (don't worry, he'll be leashed) and visit his friend who thinks he's a saint. He'll preach the values of trying not to shit ones self (Brucey worked in one of those homes, he knows what happens) and trap systems and Stammy will get bored and walk around and rub his junk on stuff. (was gonna make a gay joke here, butt fuck it.)

Sorry, Brucey got carried away. Point is we're gonna be alright, everyone is fired up for tonight. Vokoun gets his first start in a red sweater, we'll see if he's worth his salt (the only way of which to measure is if he fights then concusses rolo tony brown eye) Mojo is back in, he'll have to play hard to keep his seat, and I'm so proud of my third line boys. Like I said, we have some things to work out, but if we dont win tonight its suicides all next week at practice. (if that doesn't motivate my boys I dont know what will...other than a pizza steak sub from jerrys)

More analysis upon the next time we play these fucks. For now, courage. FUCKING COURAGE.

TLIGNIG 4 HOCKEY GAME. THEY LEAVE HAS NO BUTTS THEY LEAVE !! GOLLLLL DJ!!
(bruce note: i left my computer open and dj was sitting here for 4 hours, I guess he wanted to add some thoughts)


MORE BRUCE TOOTS
was gonna make a wiccan joke here, but witch one.
was gonna make an alzheimer joke here, but forgot it.
was gonna make a doctor joke here, but that'd be sick.
was gonna make a sheep joke here, but ewe wouldnt get it.
was gonna make a pig joke here, but to be honest, its a boar.
was gonna make a Jets suck joke here, but that wouldn't be Fehr.
was gonna make a coins joke here, but it wouldn't make any sense.
was gonna make a netflix joke here, but couldn't get one qwiq enough.
was gonna make a yellow journalism joke here, but i'd just muck it up.
was gonna make a paying Vokoun joke here, but he wouldn't accept a check.
was gonna make a Anaheim joke here, but that would be fowl. (and we're not playing the ducks)
was gonna make an asian joke here, but Goddam, I love working in chinatown. No really, I eat it chinese food 34 times a day.


fuck off, im not here to entertain you

Harford Whalers come to Brucetown. 10/8/2011

Call me Brucemael,

JK BITCHES, the whale is dead, a hurricane took its rotting corpse to Carolina (like, which one? amirite?!) where it continues to rot. As if they thought putting a red sweater over something putrid would cover the smell. Or help it play better. In fact, what better comparison of canes hockey than a dead rotting whale carcass! Move over William Shake 'n bake. mmmm shake 'n bake. What? Oh, right, King leer aint got shit on that met-a-4, bobby orr.

So its opening night, you're all tucked in, dvr on [rec] for Hadeed youtubeing, and future Ameritel triplett jerk-seshes (fingers crossed!) And ladies and gentlemen, your Washington Capitals. I think we have a good season ahead of us, and it all starts with this game. To be honest, I havn't looked at what the other teams did in the offseason. I don't mean to brag, but I was prettttyyyy busy all summer (be sure to check out my "What I did this summer" entry coming soon.) So I guess the first time I'll check out the line-up will be when we take the ice in the first period. (warm ups is bruceys nervous-tick-pureed-meat-shake-chow-time). They still got the skinner kid? That guy was jick and a half. (thats my new word. you cant use it, dont even try) Ill bet they made him captain during the offseason. He's clearly better than Staal.

I got a joke for you guys.

The Staal brothers.

GET IT? bahahahahahahhahah. oh god, I made Knubes shit in his depends he was laughing so hard at that one.

...what?

My boy, Backie, just told me they picked up Tom the Taxi-cab from Boston. I guess this changes a few things, like how they'll be in 8h place instead of 9th. *Yawn* Just a different pest to swat away in 4 (bobby orrrrr!) at the end of the season. (More on this when we beat them in 4 (burrrbbyy orrr) in the first round of playoffs).  So tomorrow, youll be asking me what I've got up my sleeve, what line combos will Brucey go with, is Troy a first liner or a third? Will mojo be the center for line 2 or line 4 (Beeerrrrrbbrrrrryyy eeerrrrrrr).  How will my blue line men work together? I dont doubt we'll have some kinks to work out,  but trust bruv, believe, we'll come out of here with a victory box in our trunk. And enough goals from each player to win any fantasy hockey match you have this week if you have but one player from our squad. (Could you imagine if there was some genius drafted only Caps-men? That bastard would be unbeatable!)


Words. Im sick of them, thats all summer is for. Fuck words! Fuck words right in their stupid fucking letters! LETS PLAY SOME HOCKEY!

 Im looking forward to seeing you all rocking your red post game on the dj king party dirigible.
<3 Brucey B

p.s. desktop size pic looololol

GET YO' STINK-WHISTLE! BRUCEY B IN THE HOUSE: octomom/7/2011

Welcome to the new season. The 2011-2012 season, of your Washington Capitals. Or perhaps you should be welcoming me, I know that after another presidents trophy and Lord Stanley Cup win I'll be welcomed anywhere I damn please in all of the disrick. (You hear that DeMarquis? My day with the cup will start at your Rub & Tug whether you like it or not. THE WORLD WILL BE WATCHING) Boom de yada.

We've got some new faces, and some old ones, or as I've been calling them, the "classics." It has led to some confusion, Ovi thought I was talking about Coke so hes been calling Brouwer 'New coke' and Joel Ward 'Pepsi face'. Semin, whos trying to be more talkative this season just screams Jamba Juice over and over. At least he's trying.

We had a rocky pre-season so here is an intricate and well thought out response: (note to editor, put that picture of my dick i texted you last week here) HAHA! Thats for my boys in Iraq. Now that dont ask dont tell is over I've been getting deluges of e-mails from soldiers asking to see my big swingy thingy. I got that certain jenny say quah (editor: make me look smart) soldiers love. I guess I am the most important man in D.C. Enjoy Boys!

But it did give some interesting things for fans to look out for (Other than Dagmar Vokoun's sweet sweet tats) Like that flowtastic Mattie P, dudes back with a passion. He reminds me of a young me, I know what its like to be awesome as shit and under-appreciated, and have sweet flow. I even did an interview on it. WHAT NOW, SOURCING MYSELF. Here are some other things pre-season taught us: I found a new favorite restaurant! Theyve got the best vanilla-ice-cream-instead-of-sour-cream-mint-ice-cream-instead-of-guacamole-cough-syrup-instead-of-lettuce-sticks-of-better-instead-of-chips-nachos I have ever had! Sorry SantoCarlos, you've been upstaged, (I think they use a cinnamon extract to give it that something special you just dont have, try to experiment, Ill give you another chance),

But I know what you want, I know what this is all about, Tomorrow night. Opening night! You all can't wait to see if the triplets got hot this year. What will the new commercial be? A 3 way hottub makeout in  bikinis? Jello wrestling while Michael watches awkwardly and talks about paper? Now that would sell. ...mmmmmmm ameritel triplets. My favorite is the one with the snaggletooth. Get that thing caught in a stink whistle.

what happened? I just woke up and its dark outside now...I started this thing at 11a.m. I remember thinking about the tripplets and then I smelled burning....

FUHHHFHHHFHH. I just lost another half hour. Id better go get some rest. Big day tomorrow.









its a vagina. a stink whistle is a vagina. its also the term most searched on google that leads people to this blog. but i totally copywrote it, so expect me to use it until it catches on with the kardashians and then sue the shit out of them for it!

BRUCEY B. B. BEVERTON BEVELY "Cleary" BOUDOIR BOUND BOUDREAU OUT.

Calm down

in my first 4 years.
winningist coach
presidents trophy
back to back east conf. champs

I AINT GOING ANYWHERE BITCHES

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR

(but stay tuned for off season jibber-jabber)


EDIT: MAY 5
Told you bitches
http://www.nhl.com/ice/news.htm?id=562053&navid=DL|NHL|home

Do or Do Not. There is no try. Star Wars Day, 2011

Here is all you need to know

See you saturday.

Listen up. May 3, 2011

we dont put it in our own net
we win
2-1, then 2-2, then 3-2, then seal at the pete.

Bruceys Even Wilder Ride: May 1, 2011

Sorry for last game dear readers. I blame it on our equipment man for givin hannan ovies stick. its that ovie curve that made that puck bounce on in. We tied him up in the freezer for the last two days to teach him. sighh.

Im fuckin tired of sittin back and watchin my boys get raped by a saint, and a horse man (lecavalier/cheese dick French asshole). anyway, im puttin arnott in the suit and im lacing up the skates tonight. Look for double zero skatin blazin and layin out on the ice. Imma come on for the extra attacker. Get some legs under this power play.

I told nicky I would make him eat ten gefilte fish for every goal he misses this game. Boy hates the stuff, starts screaming. fuckin hilarious. Even semin was twistin his dick about it. In other prank news, Ovie double dared MOJO to lick Guy Douchers scar every time we lose a game. Screams just like Nickie. Semin just dies. You gotta see his face…the way his eyes just….light up.  

Oh right, game analysis…We KO’d two of those bastards last game with some THUNDER of our own and we’re lookin to Tyson the rest of em tonight. Break their fucked up trap 1-3-1 whatever the fuck. Even Roenick thinks its boring. Do the lightnin not want Americans to love hockey? Americans need flash boom bang, shock and awe and brucie wants to give it to the people. Hard. Ive got a tattoo of an eagle carrying a bear eating a snake covered in BBQ sauce on my chest. The TB lightning hate America plain and simple. St Louise, LeCavalier, Stamkos…the list goes on. Send em to git mo.

Anyways, My extra attacker skills and peepaw arnotts skills behind the bench will lead us to victory tonight over those Canadian, trap lovin, America hatin assholes.

Stamkos looks like hes got the same skull structure as Crosby. Just sayin. Gonna crack him in two and bury him under verizon. Hope the NHL doesn’t read this fuckin thing. Don't want them to tell the refs to keep fuckin us dry for my writins.

Heres a poem I wrote today.

Onward boys onward, fuck all the light

Look for double zero, streakin down the ice

neon lights of Chinatown, stink of MSG (wearelouder)

all the steve downies in the world

cant stop, big rig brucie

submitted that beaut to Knubles bimonthly lit mag/teen zine today. Been reading DJ’s shit to help out with my phrasing.

Kindest regards,

BRUCIE

ps fuck you Pierre