Eastern Semi Scarface Murder Plan 101

Holla Swizzlets!⁄¡

Its yer boy Brucey Mother Fuckin' B here. Back from my hiatus of rumming up cocoanuts, living the F-L-A lifestyle. Step 1 in murdering a hideous hockey coach and an ugly team, know thy enemy, and I have the puke stains on my carpet to prove it. So, its become a battle royale with our southeast division rivals, theyve got Stamkos, and Rolo-Tony, and a midget saint from booty-clap town. Fortunately our D boys are tighter than a suicide bombers virgin, and with Wideman getting better every second we're just gonna go into shutdown mode.  Double fortunately for people who love hockey, we're not a D mans team, We've got our boys up front. right right, you get it. The Greatest Ate, Nickelbackstrom, Rockem Sockem Semin, Hojo Mojo, right you get it. I dont have time to come up with kick ass nicknames like double knuble or double nickel, Im coaching a fucking playoff team.  I've spoken at large before about my animosity for the "Lightning Bolts" but now that we've hit playoff time, time to quintuple their facial scars. I've seen the french connection, a little bit of heroin will take down lacaviler and gange (I dont give a fuck how they spell their names, I ain't been scared fo the french since I found out you can buy ice cream in just one flavor per box. FUCK YOU NAPOLEON, I HATE STRAWBERRY!)

Anyway, what do you want me to say, we're gonna win. I'll write more as it becomes appropriate. FUCKERS


oh...I forget a DJ King joke...lemme get my cats some meth so they go on photoshoppe spree

Playoff Break Musings: Apr 26, 2011

You've never seen Brucey and Batman at the same place at the same time...

We Were Louder: Apr 23, 2011

nah nah nah nah 
nah nah nah nah
hey hey hey
goodbyeeee

GAME 5. BOOM. Apr 23, 2011

What a faggot, can you believe this shit? I'm too pissed off to even see straight. Tell me, is every caps fan a secret mother fuck? Because I'll just close this shit down now.

Zen and the Art of Hamburger Butts: A Bruces Blog Mid-Conference Quarter FInals Interlude featuring Text and Graphic.

♬ Ooh wah, ooh wah, cool, cool Brucey ♩
♩Tell us about the boy from new york city. ♫
OOOH YEAH!

I know what you be thinkin, but which boy Brucey? Which boy? Feditanko and his sickkkk 10 goals this season? o}; Dubinsky and his lucky tripple bounces? Nah, man, we aint playing snooker. Lunquiviusk. lol, Have I made fun of his name yet? What a fucking doof. No, readers, we're talking about the team as a whole, they're not great, the're not good, and they can't make romance ♫ The problem is that we just took umm, oh 8 penalties? Can we trade in the pussies in zebra stripes for some refs that know this is playoff hockey? Bottom line, I'm wasn't worried about last game, and I'm not worried about this one, and I get paid to worry. We're gonna take one from MSG and come to finish it at home, that is what you guys wanted, right? 4 games is too short, you get too long a break, get cold, 5 or 6 games is the perfect amount. We'll do it in 5, only because the stupid press loves to dog Brucey. Dog this: The garden is shitty, dank, dark, and smells like Jersey, The New York press is about as dim as the lighting in Pedophile Square Garden. (not a square either.) Check out the post-game interviews if you want to hear the drunkards that call themselves journalists butcher the english language just to ask the same questions over and over, as if they made sense the first time. I'm over this series, I'm over the Rangers, I'm over the guy in the suit named after totino's pizza rolls. (Jeremy, see if we can get me an advertising job for pizza rolls. mmmmm, Ill do it for a years supply, and them installing a microwave in my Merce--Just call me) Everyones been super bummed I've been sitting Fher...sorry? I was pretty sure chimera would have been so excited by this point he would have hurt himself and we'd need my boy Eric. Dollars to donughts Chimpy runs headfirst into the boards this game celebrating he got over 6 minutes of ice time. Im gonna go grab some totino's, its a filling snack you can take anywhere! Does anyone actually know the rules to snooker? Or bumper pool for that matter? We have a table downstairs, I let the cats pee on it...well, I don't let them do anything. We cant really go down to the rumpus room anymore, see, we gave them catnip laced with meth, so theyve gotten pretty aggressive and dont sleep. ever. they've taken over. help.

Kal-AL keeps sending me beard update pictures. This is strange. I hope he stops calling me poppa and asking to sit on my lap.

Bruce.

Red Rocking in NYC MSG...See? April 17, 2011

Lots of mothra fuckers (e.g. Rodan, SpaceGodzila) were worried about us facing the Rangers in the first round. After the first 138 minutes they've gotten one goal on us.  Tonight we prove we're more than delicious delicious scrapple and take it to the fucks on their own ice. If we can make it there, we can make it anywhere. Remember when I promised to fire bomb the other boroughs when we beat the Isles? Bombs planted. Of course, the bombs only target Rangers fans, so anyone living in NYC not smoking meth or with an IQ above 17 wont be harmed, unfortunately that should take out most of the rangers team (lol, what rule suspends you for bombing morons commish?) and dj king. I've always thought myself a chess man, and sacrificing a pawn in part of a larger maneuver has never scared me. I've been channeling dead spirits as part of my training to attain immortality and today I got to talk to John Lennon, which was pretty cool, he taught me all about using my imagination, and we did some pretending, what if I was a black, what if I had a ghost dick and was a shitty whalers coach that got fired for the person I replaced before I could even finish the season, what if all the air suddenly turned into wood, but when I tried to imagine the Rangers winning the series my brain started spewing thick green pea soup and John started screaming in pain "YOU BROKE ME" "THAT CANT BE". He disappeared into flames and my celling started raining blood, fuck, I need a new suit. Today, we'll have a fight or two, we'll have goals and we'll have saves.  The one thing I'm sure about (aside from my sleep-less efforts to plot against Pierre) is this one won't be an overtime contest. Show early, shits gonna get wackier than an herbal jazz cigarette.

Suck my dick
Suck my dick
Im Bruce
Suck my dick

Pierre Saga Pt. II--Mcguire prepares to die: Apr 16, 2011

Here is the letter I received, as noted in the last blog post:

Dear Bryce Boudreau coach of the Washington crapitals (haha yes)

This is Pierre “joncryerfan20” mcguire. Enzo and doc airdropped me some crayons and graphing paper down to me inside the glass so I could vent. I owe my life to those boys, doc and enzo. Saved me from my life as a pittsburgh penguins assistant coach, jerking off jagr in the visitors locker room after games for corn dogs, right doc?

I DIGRESS.

Heres the deal: ovie’s a bitch, semins shit, neuvy lets in goals like I let enzos in, one fist at a time. Arnott can go fuck himself for turning down my application to be his little brother, and chimera….chimeras no bald brother…he just shaves to get that turbo boost and we all know it, right enzo?

Look brucie, you guys are too flashy to beat the blue collar blueshirts. I don't buy into your new defense first mentality, youre all too fucking drunk off coconut flavored rum to do anything but piss yourselves and pass out in the offensive zone, aren’t I right here doc? Watch some footage of the whalers back when I was behind the bench and maybe you’ll learn something about the beautiful game eh enzo?

Don't try and get me back for this on your journal. Doc reads me to sleep every night through our headphones. He reads me every post that you throw up there. Makes me a perfect mix of nauseous and horny. Doc’s got that combo of rasp and sultry vox that gives me a boner down there, right doc? I’ll piss on your internet and no one will be able to read what you wrote through the bloody drippings. I don't really know how the internet works actually, am I right enzo?

Fuck off,

Sincerely,

pierre

 (if you wouldn't mind transcribing this letter that would be great. I woulda wrote this to your blog comments section but I don't have a computer in here anymore, got too many complaints about players being distracted by my tentacle porn. I’ve got a bucket, my cat and old chicken giblets to my name. stinks down here eh enzo?) 

-------------------

He just signed his death certificate. Ill keep you updated. 

BRUCE