SEND MORE BLASTING CAPS: Dec. 17, 2011

THAT WASNT A PUN. WE'VE HIT SOME MAJOR ROADBLOCKS ON THE WEST SIDE OF THE APPALACHIANS. ASIDE FROM FIGHTING OFF MOTHER FUCKING METH-HEADS, WE'VE COME UP AGAISNT A WALL OF ...ROCK OR SOMETHING. I DON'T SPEAK FUCKING MOLE YET. FUCK! WE'VE BEEN BLOWING OUR WAY THROUGH, AND IV'E LOST SOME OF MY HEARING, I GUESS THE VOICE TO TYPE CONVERTER IS TAKING MY YELLING AS CAPS LOCK. JUST LIKE MY CAPS ARE LOCKED ON WINNING. YA DIG? NO. THATS WHAT THE MOLE-PEOPLE ARE FOR.

SO HERES THE GOD DAMN DEAL. I'VE SENT WARLY A PACKAGE, GOT THE IDEA FROM THIS GUY I MET DOWN HERE WITH A GIANT BEARD AND SUNGLASSES.  UNDERGROUND! WHAT A FUCKING GOOF! ANYWAY, ITS DOUBLE KN-WHAT? OH...oh. My new mole-assistant pulled out some cotton-balls from my ears. Why didn't he tell me about those before.

Well, it's duble knubbles 999th game! Motherfuckers gonna play like satan upside down. Deal with it, I'm too busy to entertain you fucks. Im tunneling through the fucking continent. eat a cunt.

Do it Cappies.

MOlesistant! Cotton.

DO IT CAPPIE BOYSSSSSS!

Pegging the Peg. Dec 15, 2011

GOD DAMMIT. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO FOR YOU FUCKS!? IM LIVING IN A GODDAM CAVE, MY WIFE IS PORKING MY EVIL TWIN, MY SON IS CALLING HIM PEP-PEP, I'VE COMMITTED BRAIN MURDER FOR YOU, BUT YOU DECIDE TO LET IN GOALS LIKE THAT DAGMAR? YOU STILL WONT SCORE ALEX/ALEX?!?!¡¿ you guys are the worst. I havnt tunneled to the peg yet. I've got an express line being worked on, straight to Anaheim. They've made it to the nascar predators stadium. IM COMING TO FUCK YOUR EAR MOOSE MASON! We need these points, we're no longer in a lulzy situation. We're behind Atlanta in the standings. When was the last time we were out of first. GOD DAMN YOU GMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGMGM!

Brucey still <3 dale.

oh, and if youre 12, or named jon and confused about the title:
Pegging (verb): Anal sex reveresed. instead of the man sticking his penis up the womans butt, the woman wears a strap-on and sticks it up the mans butt.

Results. Dec 13, 2011

I told you brucey would fucking get things done. Out of the picture I am not. I promised my cappies before I left I was going to make it their year. As you may have figured out, my moles dug a hole out to Phillys rink. I infected Prongers water with meningitis and toxoplasmas. ...Brain matter eating parasites. BRUCEYS WILL BE DONE.

But that wasnt enough. We're still on a comeback tour, We need that fucking confidence of three wins in a mother fucking row. I cry at night thinking about about gunner and lennon growing up in a home where win streak isnt what the peppy hendrix is reporting. So i jacked up Simmons kneepads with weights and injected metal into the middle of the pucks. I run around under the rink with a big magnet and control the puck. HEAD. KNEE. WHIPLASH. BRUCEYS WILL BE DONE.

So now Giroux' out. You're welcome. Motherfucker thinks he can have one front tooth. WHATISTHISGUYHUHTHINKSHESOVI?

Do you see? Do you see what I can do? A man not forced to live to the pressures of the media, or GMGM? The good I can accomplish!? They'll remember me. hundreds of years from now, the mark of Brucey will be around. The legacy of the Caps! OH theyll have legends about me, the Great Gabby and everything I did to clear the way.



p.s. MOOSE MASON, THIS IS JUST A WARM UP. YOUR DAY OF RIZ-ECKONING IS COMING. HEED MY WARNING NOW. RESIGN OR I WILL HAVE TO RESIGN YOU.

they drew FIRST BLOOD. DEC 9, 2011

We were in this bar in Toronto and this fucking frostback kid comes up, this kid carrying a skate-shine box. And he says "Shine, please, shine!" I said no. He kept askin', yeah, and Joey said "Yeah." And I went to get a couple of labatt blues, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place. And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just...like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, my friend that's all over me! I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! 
And nobody would help! 


Nobody would help! 


He's saying, sayin' "I wanna go home! I wanna go home!" He keeps calling my name! "I wanna go home, Brucey! I wanna drive my Chevy!" I said "WITH WHAT? I CAN'T FIND YOUR FUCKIN' LEGS! 


I CAN'T FIND YOUR LEGS!" 






The leafs drew first blood.
the only way they're going back to canada is in body-bags.

crossed the border: Dec 7, 2011

Ive made some new friends living underground, there are quite a lot of us, you see. I've paid off some hedgehogs to burrow the way underground to all the stadiums in the NHL. They've had all their men working 24/7 to make it Scotia place tonight, but IM HERZE CAPPYS! IM HERE! BRUCIE LOVES YOU! He'LL never miss another game!  Iv'e contracted the lizard-men to make me some sort of rocket sled system to travel underground. Just cuz bruice is now living under the earths core righting wrongs don't mean he still wont celebrate with 3 cakes a day. I got no intention of dropping lbs, I've got to stay in my shape, round, for my glorious return!

Those sens. Those dirty Alfredsens. Those cunting senaturds. They dont stand a chance, according to my schematics I'm set up right under their locker room. And i've got the molemens doomsday device pointed up at their buttholes! now I just need to figure out how to read mole. These instructions are dense.

<3 bruce toots



MASON MOOSE.
TEAM SONIC WILL REACH ANAHEIM.
EXPECT ME.

20,000 Leagues below Verizon: Dec 5, 2011

FUCK!!! Now that the homestand is over this will be the first time I won't be with my boys in years. I'll do my best to make it to as many away games as I can, but I've been trying to set up my subterranean home. I had to kidnap Eakins to set up my internet, those young kids know how to do that, but I think my fucking mask may have scared him, no one must know the goose is loose! i tried to speak gently, but he still peed his pants poor boy, thats why he hasn't scored in the last few games.

I missed my opportunity to sneak onto the belly of the DJKING party air dirigible to get down to florida, I was fighting the alligators that live in the sewers all around the new casa de Brucey. I guess its a lucky thing for the half cocked popo of Sunshine, FLOW-rida, because Brucey woulda had to ice a wholleee bunch of ex-caps due to his new policy of killing anyone getting in the way of a Caps Cup. ...then the murder...ill pin it on moose! the dna will match! then he'll go to jail, and while hes waiting for the needle he'll get his moose caboose stuffed with inmate juice! WHICH IS TOO GOOD FOR THE BASTARD!

You watch out, next time you see the cappies florida. Im starting with all the betrayers, gordo, fleish, strum...ehh, marco can live, he's no threat, and hes been on 17 teams in the last 4 months, I kinda feel bad. BUT YOU WILL LOOSE PANTHERS. BIGTIME. NO ONE TAKES OUR PERCH ATOP THE SOUTHEAST WITHOUT A FUCKING CURB STOP!

BRUCEY SUPPORTS HUNTER.
NOW BRUCEY WILL BECOME A HUNTER.

MOOSE MASON! IF YOU ARE READING THIS TELL THE TRUTH AND RESIGN! YOU ARE RUINING MY RECORD! BRUCEY B BLEEDS RED! TAINT A DUCK FEATHER IN MY BODY! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO YOUR TWIN!

pps. my beard itches

OH PLEASE POOPS ON NOOPS! 12/1/2011

Dear, treasured booty blog readers, let me assure you…I DID NOT TAKE THE ANAHEIM DUCKS JOB. I was takin my twin brother Moose Mason Boudreau to the Ducks game when I was visitin the fam out in Riverdale, CA and we were tryin to get teemu to autograph our GAP white tees in between periods. One minute I’m screamin out for teemu to fucking look at me and the next I’m watchin my twin brother being dragged up the stairs by the stadium fuzz. I tried to run after them but I had to stop for a DuckDog with the fixins. I spent the next two periods lookin for my brother in every ladies bathroom but I couldn’t find the fella. I assumed he had broken free using his incredible strength and just run home but when I got back to the ranch home he and my grandmother share, he was nowhere to be found. We turned on the tv and saw him holdin up a signed teemu jersey in a Ducks press conference naming him the new head coach. They wanted Bruce the Goose but they got the Moose. And the moose got a gotdamn teemu selanne signed gameworn jersey. That fucking asshole. I’ll teach him/them/everygotdamnbody to steal the bruces identity. From now on, I shall live my life deep under the Verizon center, fighting injustice through the interweb as BruceGoose/BruceToots/Tutes/othernicknames in order to restore my NHL legacy. Every gotdamn boddy knows the caps are my boys and always will be. And tonight I will show that love through my first action as the Verizon centers caped crusader:

I, BIGBOOTYBRUCE, PUT OUT A BOUNTY OF 1,000 DOLLARS IN PALMRESTAURANT BUCKS ON THE CONCUSSED HEAD OF SID THE KID CROSBY AS WELL AS ANYONE ELSE WEARING A PENGUIN ON THEIR CREST.

AN ADDITIONAL 200 PALMBUCKS WILL GO TO ANY REDSHIRT WHO SCORES

AN ADDITIONAL 100 PALMBUCKS WILL GO TO ANY REDSHIRT WHO SHAVED THEIR MOVEMBER MOUSTACHE, A MONTH TO BE OFFICIALLY RENAMED “AREALSHITMONTH” ON EVERY CALENDAR

This is the game where Dale and the boys turn the season around. lord knows the goose is fighting WITH you!!!!!

Stay sweet y’all