The BRUCES BLOG Of LOL 10uhc: Nov 15, 2011

I would like to start off by saying we dont travel to nashville enough. The meth here is FANTASTIC! I mean, its not like when we play Phoenix, if the yotes offered me a permanent position I would leave these cappyboys in less than a heart beat. (to be fair, my enlarged heart takes 12 minutes to compete one beat, clogged arteries and the like) But the blue shit they got makes me wanna blow guys in cars in my off time so I can get more.

Nashville, shane webster, picky rinegold, joel wa--Nope, that mother fucker is ours now. And hes been paying off in spades (not the racist way)  But seriosuly, he bought this old parking lot and every day after practice he has me come out and watch him shoot pucks up his pekke wenne fat heads butt, he says he wants me there for coaching tips, but I think hes afraid of it out there, its pretty spooky. Ive been dressing up as a lady in case any cars come buy looking for fun so I can get some extra spending cash for What? hahahahshhdahs dasd I've got hammerlick doing research for me (thats the breaks when you're injured) Nashville calls itself Nash Vegas. HAHAHAHAHHA oh man, forget it, I dont need to make fun of this city. Remember that time [ed. note: name removed] brought like 20 roses to school, and gave them out one at a time, asking each girl if she would go to the prom with him, and at the end he had no flowers left, and no date either? Dude, Nashville is one sweet place.

Now lets turn that mirror on ourselves and call a spade a spade (not racist version). We've been playing like shit. Had we played a team that could finish (devils, lol) we would have lost both games.   Maybe it was devils trap hockey throwing us off our game. 17-15 shots when both teams had 5 power plays? Maybe the bag skate was a bad idea? Im not sure, but something is fuckkkkkeeedddd. Guess we'll see today. Im expecting a big game from joel (CAN WE GET A BETTER NICKNAME THAN JOLEY, THAT SHIT IS SHIT.  RENIG...errr, ummm, uhh, spade...? (not the racist version.) it.)

race humour is edgy huh?
XOXO gossip Brucey

Bruce the loose goose: Nov 12, 2011

Ed. note: i apologize for not uploading this on the correct date. I blame himmler.

Well seems like the Great Wish Granter of the 11’s has granted my wish from yesterdays big phat booty blog. ME AND THE BOYS SHALL LOSE NO MORE IN THIS ACURSED LEAGUE. At least not to the Devils, who have finally been paying for their sins (trap hockey) for the last two years.

We rocked our best Sunday whites in the Devils den last night and came away with a victory. Really though, Koonjobbie stopped 32 of 33 and stole it for the boys from chocolate city. Jobbies been callin himself “crazylegs” in the lockerroom lately trying to fashion himself a nom de hockey so I would like to take this chance to say to him and to my readers that that is MY fucking job. I come up with the nicknames Kooney. So don’t be fuckin surprised if the Prague Prodigy, the Czech Churro, Michael Neuvirth is tweenst the pipes tonight. Your bitty Dagmars just about the only reason you're still alive. mmmmmmmmmdagmar. 

Anyway, it doesnt matter who i threw between the fuckin pipes. We have owned MAAARRRRTTYYYYYY in his last five starts against us. And they’re not gonna score too much, sittin in the basement in team offense. EVEN IF THEY DO. NAY. NAY. EVEN IF THEY SCORE FIRST, my boys have come back to win seven times out of nine after givin up the first red-light special.

Well fuck, im outta things to say. If you want more jokes, scroll down a bit ya doof, theres another devils post right there. We beat these dicks yesterday remember? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt

STAY SWEET

BREWSE BUDROUGH

The make a wish blog 11/11/11 11:11

Welcome all readers, except for you Fleish! take the southeast division lead? Ppgghhhgffggh. YOU ARE NO LONGER THE LATE GREAT! Your new nickname...the blood from the cut from pulling off the jock that was pre-cum glued to the tip of Khabibulin's dick after a shutout. Eakins came up with that one, good kid, he's fitting in just fine around here.

I'd like to take a moment before I get to the devils (herein after referred to as now only the second most awful coached team of forever. Side note, similar topic, fuck you, you scar faced fuck.) to talk about this magical date. My kids tell me that the guy who made saw predicted the earth was going to crash into another planet and kill us all today, but when I brought  it up to the triplets during our weekly hot tub party they said that was fooey but any wish you made will come true.  I immediately wished for them to be able to hold their breath longer (even with the three of them in tandem theyre out of breath before the job is done, I think they might have Bruce induced asthma) but they said it wasn't until today.

WELL I JUST WANT TO MAKE A PUBLIC WARNING, last year as a bonus for winning the winter classic GMGM gave me a monkey paw. Now I didn't know that thing was bad hoodoo! But it was. All the wishes back fired. I wished for thick lustrous hair. My pub mound took 6 Chinese working round the c!ock every day for the next month to trim it down. Then I wished to loose weight. Guess where I lost it...at least it made the pub trimmings easier. My point is today you'll all be making super fag wishes because you're fucking dumb as hell, I get it, it happens, but be careful, and be specific!

Right then, back to back games with the Juiceheads after skating the piss out of my squad. I expect to take both, and the best way to start that is with a win in the Garbage State. You see that idiot McLean is giving Kovy like 30 minutes of ice time every game, sweet jesus, no wonder he's already getting injuries, Russians work hard it's true, but they also die at age 29 on average, that's why I've been chilling on Ovi, it for serious wouldn't surprise me to if Kovy just fell over on the ice mid-game dead. It wouldn't matter, I'm expecting a good game from our blue liners, I let everyone stab Shlutz with a dull knife a couple times, it was good for morale. OH Shit-fit!!

Look at the time!!! Might as well go big now. Please ultimate wish granter that loves 11s, let the Washington Capitals of the National Hockey League (in the United States of America) win every game in the remainder of the season and post-season of the 2011-2012 hockey season.

HAHAHAH, WHAT NOW YOU FUCKS!!!!!!!!
Love, Bruce

That Monkey sure can skate: Nov 8 2011

Its not that Texans are bigger than normal humans, there is some sort of force field around the border (THEY WISH AMITRITE?!) that causes expansion when you enter the Country's 4th worst state (after Mississippi, Alabama, Michigan) A normal 5'5" 410lb Brucie B enteres texas and balloons up to 6'7" and 636 lbs. On the flip side, when those stupid fucks leave the state they shrink. Matty P is gonna get some fight experience in...and hes gonna win. Outside Tejas Benn is only about 4 feet tall. Lifes a real shame for the poor bastards born inside.

BUTT BUTT BURURUCUEYYYYY you say THEY WON 10 GAMES!

Well shut the fuck up. How many goddam fucking times have I fucking told you i hate being called bururucueyyyyy. IF IT WAS ONCE IT WAS A HUNDO TIMES. Why do you think I sent DJ back to Hershey? (aside from the fact he date raped Mike Green?) God, that guy wouldnt shut up.

So Dallas, you 'seem' to be on a hot start, but much like the other crappy teams that start out hot, we'll take a hammer to them and flatten them to some sort of horse trail flapjacks. mmm, remind Dagmar I want breakfast for dinner. (She fixes my meals every time Koonjab plays a stinker of a game *cough*ISLES*cough*)

I hope Mike's gotten back from his butthole destretching surgery and is ready to go. (maybe hershey is too good for dj) Most of Dallas' game stems from the fact their goalie is on a role, but I have faith our boys gonna pop a hole in Leighton Meesters like [note to editor, look up who this and make some joke] (ed. note: some lady who parlayed an "acting" role on veronica mars to a a job as a CW whore and a singing career for sunsilk...OH! She was in Hangman's curse! Frank Peretti is awesome! I will not make a joke about this goddess!) [note to editor, yeahhhhh, i just saw a footjob video of her. Also stop trying to recommend me christian fiction, you know the only book I read is the novelization of Most Valuable Primate, bother me with this again and I will buy a horse to rape you with.] (ed. note: what kind of horse?)

Should be a good game.
See you at Verizon. Brute Tuets

Ed. note: video confirmed. How could an actor in a Frank Peretti adaptation sink so low? I hope our boys rip open Kari Leighton Meester like some sort of toe hymen.
(WHAT KIND OF HORSE?!)

PSA FROM BRUCE B’s BOOTYBOOTYBOOTYBLOG: Nov 5, 2011 (56k warning)

Sometimes, important people in my life accuse me of being a “fatfuck”. Remember boys n’ girls, when you say the words “fatfuck” just know that there are “fattestfucks” out there who deserve your ridicule and crippling anger much much much more. Maybe just being a “fatfuck” aint so bad right gals and guys?

Now that we know the difference between “fat” and “fattest” fucks, might as well get started talking about Islanders skip, Jack Capuano. That boys gotta be THICKER than his mammas minestrone!!! FATTER than his mammas cannoli!!! LARGER than his daddys paycheck!!! Cappys led his boys to a 3-5-2 record and a six game losing streak. And I get called a fatfuck?

Greener and I spent three hours on the phone last night. Greenie says he’s gonna down as many Strong Island Iced Teas as he can during the game until he passes out in his Scarlet Caps novelty hot tub. The water rocks the red and it smells like sweat and lady parts. I bet Greenys gonna score more times in that hot tub than these Isle boys will on the cold ice. They haven’t scored more than one goal during their losing streak!! HEY CAPPY! STOP EATIN EGGPLANT PARM HOOGIES AND SHUFFLE YOUR LINES!

Thanks for listening.

BRUCE da GOOSE

PSSSSSSS nothing cappy does will matter. We aint been whipped by these isle boys in regulation since 2007. So we gotta make like Snake tonite. Blow that miserable island to bits and then heelie all the way back home. Gotta get svelte so they’ll get me in the TV business again.

Bruice the Spork King: Nov 4, 2011

Carolina, gross. It's not that Im upset about the team, although I do get this rash on my eyeballs when I have to look at any of the Staals. Its just so sticky there, brucie dont like that humidity. Plus Paul Morice may be the fugliest looking hockey coach. I just saw that word on The MTV, they said it means fucking ugly, LOL. Anyway, have you seen his glasses? What is he a turtle? HAHAHAH! SO a divisional game, a real way to get ahead of the SE mother-finger-blasters, but have you looked at our division recently? We could literally turtle the rest of the season and still make it out on top. THE PANTHERS ARE OUR BIGGEST COMPETITION!? Haaaooolllyyy moly! Maybe Ill take up learning bocci ball, on ice. Or take to cooking lessons, I've always wanted to learn to make turtle shell soup!

YOU GUYS GET IT YET? I WAS A TURTLE FOR AHALOWWEWN!!

And all my candy is all gone. ;(

I eat it got a big tummy ache ;(

I hope we win tonight ;)

or ill have no candy to get through the sadness ;(

B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.: Nov 1, 2011

HELLO BIG BOOTY BLOG READERS

We’re back from the best coast road trip. The plane smells like taco bell and broken dreams. We ran into the Bulin Wall and the Young Guns in Refmonton (GET IT BETTMAN??? TEACH EM HOW TO SWALLOW WHISTLES. ha.) and we took it in every hole from the demon twins in Vancougar. I KNOW I KNOW. I know what youre thinking. “BROOCIE YOU RACKED UP THE BEST WINNIN PERCENTAGE IN FRANCHISE HISTORY WHAT ARE YOU BITCHING ABOUT??” We lost to a bunch of Canadians. Its fucking embarrassing. Theres one thing that can turn this shit luck around.

America and...MOVEMBER. A celebration of hair, facial and everywhere. facial. ha.

While its been MOJO-EMBER for a while now, the rest of us finally get to start growing some stache. The Ducks wont know what hit them. Hammer’s been teachin the young boys all the dangers of facial hair. That man is always in a constant battle against his facial hair. Semin snuck into George Parros’s crib like a KGB and snatched his stache. There are lil pieces of Parros still on that thing. Semin says he’s gonna wear it for All Saints Day. I don't know much about this Christian thing but that seems pretty badass. And if believing in it helps us get some peace from these fucking refs then i’ll wear a rotting moustache too.

Ducks are comin off of two losses just like our squad and we’ve got the Panthers clawing at our buttholes so theres gonna be a real scrap tonight on home ice. Last time they came down to Chinatown, Getslapped knocked us out in overtime. Not gonna happen tonight. Koonies gonna get his DuckHunt on and shoot some pucks outta the air. Big Jon Earskine is back so byebye Tom Phillip Collins and hello to a steady (butmikegreenless) blueline. We can use the roster space too, cuz Georgie just gave me a new toy to play with. WELCOME CODY “50 CENT” EAKIN. Boy brought me a lifesized bigbooty woman made of chocolate. mmmdarkchocolatewoman.

PEACEOUT.

BRUCEY

ps DJ stop calling. You wanted to leave. I know it sucks no one wanted ya but its gonna all work out in the end pal. Theres Russia? Or Belarus? Or Czech Pubic??

I don't know. Sorry buddy.